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Dessert and desire
There’s a reason why when a toddler is told something is off-limits like a hot oven, or breakable vase, that it becomes more desirable.
It’s human nature to want to experience something for yourself. The same rule applies to food.
The thing is natural intuitive eaters always allow themselves dessert. They’re the ones who have a few spoonfuls and are satisfied (I know they seem like unicorns). Why?
They have an underlying belief they’re allowed to eat dessert anytime they want to. This full permission around food is freeing.
The opposite is a feeling I’m oh so too familiar with. Denying myself dessert only to find myself hurriedly eating chocolate or ice cream straight from the tub, while I stand in the kitchen or hide in the toilet or my car… #truth!
The incredible thing is that when you give yourself permission to eat dessert – truly enjoy it without guilt knowing you can have more anytime you want – you don’t end up feeling out of control around it.
When we attribute morality to food (aka good or bad), that’s when we experience this out-of-control feeling.
So what can you do instead?
Eat the dessert and try not to be in your head while doing it. You know that internal monologue that says “you’re only allowed a bit more then put the spoon down”. Screw that. Be with the dessert. Put it on a plate or in a bowl and sit at a table or somewhere you feel relaxed. Get the sensory joy from it you wanted. You might be surprised how it feels knowing that dessert is actually not off-limits.
Stash in the house or empty cupboards?
When on your food freedom journey, should you have all the trigger foods in the house or none at all…?
Listen to the podcast to find out the 3 different options or read the transcript below.
If you need more everyday advice that helps you live a healthy balanced life without dieting nonsense, check out my group caching.
Sending so much love,
Victoria x
Transcript
Hello, my queens Welcome to another episode. This episode is called, this is why you always want dessert. And I must say, usually I’m sat in front of my laptop, with a blog post written out all nice and tidy with all of the bullet points that I want to speak about in this episode. However, life is not perfect. And that is not the case today. So just pre-warning you, I might go off on a few little tangents, they’re always going to be helpful tangents. But I might go off on some little tangents, or they don’t have a cell structure to keep myself in check. So let’s get to it then. But first and foremost, I would love to invite you to, I am hosting a free body shame to body liberation workshop. And that’s going to be held on the 20th of October, which is a Wednesday at 7 pm. UK time, and it’s completely free to attend. I’ve got so much planned, I’m really excited to deliver this to you actually. And it’s going to take place in my free food freedom and self-love support group. So I will link the option to click on the link in this podcast. I can’t even speak right already. I will post the link in the show notes so you can sign up for that I would absolutely love to have you.
Okay, so let’s get to it, then. This is why you always want dessert. Do you always crave something sweet after you’ve eaten a meal, whether it’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner, or just lunch or just dinner? There’s a reason why. When a toddler, for example, is told something is off-limits, like a hot oven or a breakable vase. That thing that’s off-limits becomes more desirable. So if you’re telling yourself, you can’t have dessert, or you can’t have chocolate after a meal, because of whatever x, y and Zed reason your diet mentality is bringing up for you, then it’s not going to be helpful whatsoever because it’s human nature to want to experience something for yourself. And the same rules rule applies to food.
Because if you think of an intuitive eater and natural intuitive eater, they always allow themselves dessert if they so choose to have a dessert. They’re the type of people who have a few spoonfuls or just want to try a bit of your dessert at a restaurant. By the way, how fucking annoying is that? When you order a dessert? The people that you’re with said they don’t want to desert yet when yours comes, they want to try some no fuck off, go and get your own dessert!
Sorry, but that’s how I feel about sharing desserts. But either way, those are the type of people who will have a spoon a few spoonfuls or a few squares of chocolate and then they just leave it because they’re satisfied. And I know they seem like I’ve no unicorns, unicorns or some kind of faults human person that they can actually do that. But it’s true. Just think a moment Do you know someone who is like that? Who will have a little bit of something and just be like, Yeah, no, I’m good now. And then inside you’re kind of looking at them. Like how, why do you not want to eat the whole packet, right? It’s because they have an underlying belief that they’re allowed to eat dessert anytime they want to eat it. This full permission around food is so freeing and giving ourselves full permission around dessert. Eventually, after you’ve got over the anxiety attack of the fear of you you eating dessert until you die alone.
This full permission around food actually allows you to relax around food. You feel safe you know there’s enough so these type of intuitive eaters naturally intuitive eaters, these people that I’ve never dieted before, which are very few and far between if I’m being honest, but there are they are people out there, trust me, and feeling free, safe and relaxed around food, especially desserts because sugar has always been my thing. It’s the opposite feeling to what I felt most of my life around dessert. So when I used to deny myself dessert, deny myself chocolate only then to find myself horridly eating chocolate or ice cream straight from the tub while I’m standing up in the kitchen, or hiding in the toilet and eating it or in my car down the road from the shop before I’ve come back home. Hashtag That’s the truth. That’s what I used to do. The incredible thing is when you give yourself permission to eat dessert, and truly enjoy it without guilt knowing you can have more anytime you want.
You don’t end up feeling out have control around it. Because when we attribute morality to food, which basically means good or bad, how many times have you heard someone or you’ve said yourself, or I’ve been really good today? Meaning you’ve not had any chocolate or dessert as an example, or you’ve stuck to your diet? or How many times have you said, oh, I’ve been really bad today. So yeah, we may as well finish the evening off with ADD no pizza and wine. Right? That’s when we experiences out of control feeling is when we attribute morality to the food the good or bad, the right or wrong, the all or nothing. So what can you do instead?
Okay, so I’m here to give you a solution. It sounds easier than it is. But I’m going to tell you either way, and then give you tips on how to actually implement it, I would love you to eat the dessert, and try not to be in your head while doing it. You know, that internal monologue that says you’re only allowed one more bit, and then you’ve got to put the spoon down, or you’re only allowed one more row of chocolate, and then you’ve got to put it away. Like I say, screw that, be with the dessert, don’t have any inclination of how much or how little or whatever it is that you’re going to eat of the thing before you start to enjoy it just be fully present with the dessert. I really advise putting it on a plate or in a bowl and sit at a table or somewhere you feel relaxed because to be honest, I wouldn’t apart from if it’s in the day, I wouldn’t get some rows from my bar of chocolate, put it on a plate and sit at the table, I would get some squares and some rows from my bar of chocolate puts it in my favourite bowl. And let me tell you when I see that bowl, in the house in the dishwasher or in the cupboard, I feel so much love towards that bowl because that’s my little chocolate bowl actually sound like a child. But I have this my favourite bowl, so treat yourself to a bowl that you absolutely love. And that can be your dessert bowl for like ice cream or chocolate or to put those little things in. And what I love to do is get a selection of different chocolate bars and put a few squares or a few lines depending on how hungry or what I’m feeling like at the time in this bowl and then go and take it to the sofa with my blanket and sit and enjoy the chocolate. Sometimes I’m watching a Netflix series sometimes I’m just looking at the window. Being with the chocolate.
One of my most favourite things to do at the moment is make myself a hot chocolate with squirty cream and sauce on top. Get my favourite bowl with a few lines of chocolate and really enjoy all of that with no TV, no book, no distractions and just really enjoy it. And I want you to practice doing this and get the sensory joy from the chocolate or the dessert that you wanted from it.
You might be surprised how it feels knowing that dessert is actually not off limits. Because when we’re set if I was sat there eating my bowl of chocolate, and the whole time I was eating it. I was beating myself up in my head saying things like Oh, why are you eating this? I shouldn’t really be eating this. I shouldn’t have had this much. I can’t eat any more because it’s bad and wrong. And this is just going to put weight on on all the bollock bollock in diet culture, food police voice that’s used to be in my head all the time. And I’m sure it’s in your head too, when that comes up, because it well to begin with, because you’re unlearning what may feel like a lifetime of conditioning from the diet industry from friends and family and everywhere you freaking lock magazines, everything is very slowly changing. And I’m so blessed and grateful for that.
But I think I also see a big change because I choose to surround myself in the world that I want to live in. For example, my social media feeds are filled with body image and positivity, food freedom account, so where I’m looking and what I’m listening to, I decide and I choose to consume content that serves me and that serves the world that I’ve chose to create for myself which is food and body freedom and self love. So I just this is just a little side note for you to invite I invite you to take a look at what you’re consuming in the in the realm of magazines, box podcast, and blogs, social media is that you following on Instagram and Facebook, what you’re reading what conversations you’re having everything that you consume in your day to day life. Is that serving food and body freedom and self love or is it is it agreeing with diet culture is it agreeing with like ridiculous beauty standards and all of these things because you get to decide what you surround yourself with. And it makes a massive, massive difference.
So when you hear the diet culture voices in your head, just meet them with love. And then just let them go and replace it with an affirmation or a mantra, such as I choose to enjoy this food, or it is safe for me to eat chocolate or something like, the more power I give a way to chocolate, the more power it has over me, if you can get to the stage where I’m at now, where chocolate is just chocolate, and yes, I love the taste of chocolate, but it’s also just chocolate. And I never thought those words would actually come out of my mouth. Pay me just saying it’s just chocolate because no word of a lie. I obviously this is not real. But I genuinely felt the passion behind what I’m going to say, I would have married chocolate, like, I know that sounds weird. And like I was joking. And of course I was. But at the same time, that was a massive part of me. being serious, I had so much passion and love for chocolate, I would do anything for it. It would literally light me up so much. And whereas that’s nice to love something so much. It’s not really a normal way to feel towards food.
And the way I felt that way is because I did have a love hate relationship with it. And I always deprived myself of it. And when I did have it, I felt really naughty. And I was indulging and honestly when I used to binge, I used to look forward to my planned binges, because it was the time where I could like eat everything that I denied myself. And let me tell you, it was always chocolate and ice cream Ben and Jerry’s. It wasn’t any really crisps or pizza or anything like that. It was always sweets and chocolates and ice cream. So I honestly sometimes mess. Definitely not enough to ever go back there, by the way. But sometimes I missed that high that I feel or felt when I ate the chocolate. Because now it’s like it’s just chocolate. It tastes really nice. But it’s literally just chocolate. And that can be disappointing. But I tell you what, I would not give I would not. What am I trying to say here? If someone paid me, like a million pounds, I would not go back to the space and the mindset of who I was when I was stuck in the midst of my binge eating and bulimia disorder. Absolutely no way. Because food freedom is exactly that you just feel free around food, you feel normal around food, you feel relaxed, and also safe. I think this is a big a big word that I would like to bring into this because the next thing I kind of want to touch on is people that everyone’s different. And I want to share with you what I do. And I want to share with you what a few of my clients do. But the question is, do you say for example, your trigger food or your binge food is chocolate?
Is it helpful on this food freedom journey to have no chocolate in the house, or to have lots of it in the house or to just have like a standard normal amount in the house, whatever you want to class is normal. Okay, it doesn’t matter. But let me go through the three different options. So the first option is what I choose to do myself and that is to have a stash of chocolate in the house. And when I say a stash, I mean so much chocolate that even if the old you or maybe you’re currently are in full binge territory, and that’s okay, because there’s a way out of it, I promise you. But if you are recovered, or you’re on your recovery journey, whatever a binge means to you the amounts that you eat. And by the way, I don’t determine a binge by the amount of food that someone eats. I determine of binge by the way they feel about what they’ve eaten, and how they feel about themselves as they’re eating it or after they’ve eaten it. Because dieting is not an action, it’s a state of mind.
So as I was saying, it you when you have a chocolate stash, and if you can try all these different options, but this is what I do. I’ve got so much chocolate that even if I wanted to go back to my old binge days, I physically couldn’t eat it all in one go. I’m talking like I’ve got about I think 15 or 16 family size bars, like 300 grammes each of chocolate in the house at any one time. And that creates a feeling of safety for me, you know, I am free around food recovery is a spectrum you’re not just done with a tech and a gold medal and off you go is a spectrum but the way I feel safe and the way I can allow my body to feel like there’s enough is to have enough around me all the time. And then I just go and get it as and when I want it. That really works for me and it actually works for some of my clients too. The second option is to have a normal amount in quotes like whatever is normal, right.
Another option is to have a normal amount in the house. For example, if you do a weekly shop to buy a couple of bars of chocolate or whatever is in classes a normal amount for you, and have that in the house, and also eat it as and when you want it. If I do that, I feel a sense of lack lack safe, I only buy two bars to family size bars. And during the whole week, if I’m getting towards the end of my last bar, the diet related trauma from the past comes up for me and I don’t say this lightly the word trauma because it is a traumatic response. Like when we feel lacking restriction. Especially from my diet in history. I was anorexic for years, as well. So my body as soon as it feels like it’s like absolutely no way this is not okay. And so to protect myself, I have the stash.
But it also could work for you just to have a normal amount of chocolate in the house, eat as and when you want it. The third option is to have no chocolate or no trigger foods in your house. Yet you would need to promise yourself that whenever you fancy some you will go out and get some some people feel safer that way because if they don’t trust themselves around food, especially at the beginning of the journey, I get it. I’ve been there. But I use this stash technique right from the get go. And it really worked for me, like I used to when I was bingeing and I’m being serious, I used to legit, get a massive bar of Nutella, stick it in the microwave and drink the jar of Nutella. And you think I’m joking. I’m not joking. I used to love doing that. But then, of course, because I was bingeing, I felt so much shame and just self hatred after that. So what I did is I bought like six tops of massive jars of Nutella. So there was way too much to do that with all six jars. And then that created a feeling of safety. And I’ve just have a couple of tablespoons A day after each meal. And then now, there’s no teller in the cupboard, and I’m not even bothered about it unless I want it on something. Right.
So whatever resonates with you. So as I was saying, The third option is to not have it in the house. Some people prefer that because they feel more relaxed. If it’s not there as an option bought, if you work with me, and if you’re doing this work, I really encourage you to promise yourself whenever you want to eat the chocolate or whatever the the ice cream or whatever it is for you go out and get some of the next availability that suits your day. Because again, if you’re not having it in the house purely because you don’t want to eat it, because you’re scared of it, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. It’s like I always recommend when we start working on body image, not to over obsess looking in the mirror. But also not to do the opposite not to just avoid mirrors at all costs. I’ve done both for many long periods of time. And even though the avoidance method feels like it’s working at the beginning, because you’re not paying attention to your body, you’re practising being in your body, it actually isn’t that helpful over time because you don’t familiarise. familiarise yourself with your body in the mirror. And that’s a normal part of being a human in this world.
So the avoidance technique doesn’t work either. So it’s all about the motivation behind the why as with everything, but I hope this has helped. So all in all, just to recap, the reason why you always need to have dessert is probably because you like dessert, probably because you like to have something sweet after your dinner. And that is okay, when you make it wrong when you make it not okay, when you make it all about calories and fear of weight gain and all these things. That’s what causes the binge eating. So I would like you to just practice checking in with yourself after you’ve eaten. If you want sweet stuff after it, allow yourself to have it. Your homework as a matter of fact, is to allow yourself to have dessert after breakfast, lunch and dinner. Whether that’s one square of chocolate, or a scoop of ice cream, or a bowl of ice cream, whatever it is, you feel like having trust your body and allow yourself and I promise you over time, when your body trust you, then you will eat less and it’s not about celebrating eating less because if we celebrate the fact that you eat less, what’s the opposite of that.
If you eat more than that’s the opposite to celebration right or remorse or whatever the opposite to the word celebration is I have no idea. But just allowance and I know it always comes down to this and sometimes I feel like I’m repeating myself but it’s so key. If you want dessert after every meal, have dessert after every meal. Practice with different desserts, so say if it’s Ben and Jerry’s, and it’s lunchtime, and you’ve got a meeting later. And even though you’re really craving something sweet, you’re not allowing yourself because your schedule, eat the whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s and go to sleep in the meeting later and feel shitty all day. Allow yourself to Ben and Jerry’s plate some out in a bowl, even though not gonna lie. I swear, Ben and Jerry’s is designed to be eating from the top, because who waits for it to soften and then spoons out into a bowl, not me. But you get my dress, put something in a bowl of a portion, and knowing you can have it later when you want it.
But the main key word here is allowance. Allow yourself to have dessert, enjoy it. And then only then when you feel safe, and your body feels safe that there’s always enough and there’s no restriction there. You’ll be able to play about with quality with quantities of the sweet stuff you eat after your meals. So you can feel what feels better for you physically in your body. So let me know if that has helped. As always, I love to hear from you. So tag me on social media if you’re listening to this at Victoria Kleinsman on Instagram and the same on Facebook. If you want to message me a question that I can turn into a podcast episode. That would be amazing. I would love to do that for you and then I’ll give you a shout out as well. And last but not least, I would be absolutely honoured and so grateful. If you could literally take 30 seconds to like review five stars. I’d be so grateful.
Anyway, I wish you the most amazing morning or day or evening whenever you’re listening to this and I’m sending you so much love and I will see you next week.
