“I have struggled with disordered eating for approximately 12 years (I’m 28 now) and, despite spending thousands of pounds on various types of therapy (mainly counselling, CBT, hypnotherapy), I unfortunately never managed to find peace with food. I was stuck in a binge-restrict-purge-cycle and obsessive exercise regime – hating on my body – refusing to believe that I could ever learn to love my body (and actually not even wanting to get to a point where I loved my body) for 12 years. That’s 12 years of my precious life where I was not living my “best life”. I don’t want to say it was completely wasted because that would be a lie – I somehow managed to achieve a lot during those years (I qualified as a lawyer for one) but it does sadden me when I think about what my life could have been without the weight of this god awful disease that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
The extent to which it affected me manifested in suicidal thoughts – I often felt so trapped with my eating disorder that it stole the joy of life and led me to believe that life was not worth living – at time I even wanted to take drugs to numb the battle or stop myself from eating. Sorry for the graphic details but I feel I need to get across how serious and debilitating my ED was, but to show that I am living proof that recovery is really possible.
I came across Victoria on Instagram. Ironically I saw Victoria’s profile linked through a mutual IG friend – Coached by Millie (that’s a story in itself) but Millie is someone who I considered unfollowing as Millie competes in body building and as my last bout of ED manifested in a failed contest prep, I was in a phase of unapologetically removing ANY profile on my IG that triggered me (I found it hard following athletes when I had failed).
So anyway, I scrolled through Victoria’s profile and loved her content – I felt she was speaking directly to me and I also loved the sound of her voice (do not underestimate how important it is to be “soothed” by your coach)
I also had no doubt that something had kept Millie on my friends list so that Victoria would be presented to me.
I then had a choice – do I want to reach out to V and commit to recovery (something which I now realise I wasn’t ready to do before now) or, do I want to stay within the throes of the same toxic but familiar (and comforting) ED… I describe it as an old snuggly raincoat with gigantic holes in it. It didn’t help me stay dry from the rain but it was still familiar and smelt nice so disguised some level of comfort to me. After all, my ED was all I knew and I didn’t have a clue what a different relationship with food would look like. I had visions of “letting go” and being in a much bigger body which would mean I had a miserable life… (I am aware that we live in a fatphobic society and that there is nothing wrong with fat).
On 7th September 2020 I attended a virtual introductory call with V and within 20 minutes I knew I’d finally connected with the person who was destined to coach me
It was a tough and emotional introductory call and I faced some tough questions, but I made the decision to go forward with one to one coaching.
Victoria promised me that I would feel safe, cocooned in her fierce love, and there is no more accurate description of her coaching.
Victoria honestly transformed my life.
Over the last three months I have worked hard through the food freedom modules and have had lots of additional personal tasks set by V to help my recovery that have cropped up on my journey, no one’s journey is the same. I found it hard,
for example, to go on dates and meet people when I was not dieting… and I have a personal issue with clothes sizing (buying a bigger size would literally cause a meltdown!)
With encouragement from V, I decided to go “All In” with my food journey and truly honour my hunger for the first time in 12 years. This was right for me but I’m not bullshitting when I say that going All In was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
I don’t think that anyone could have prepared me for the grief that came with letting go of, and grieving losing the “dream body” I had so longed for, for 12 years, and everything that enthralled (it goes a lot deeper than just the aesthetics, it was also a status thing).
It made me question my purpose in life if it wasn’t to look good, and it was hard to face the reality that my appearance had driven so many decisions I had made in my life.. was I really that simple and shallow?
I would not say that progress has been linear, and I am still grieving the loss of my smaller body. I still have panic attacks that my life is limited if I am in a bigger body….
There have been some real lows and I have sent many voice notes to V crying down the phone saying “ I can’t do this, I don’t want to love my bigger body..” and the temptation to go back on a diet has been high, but V’s coaching has provided me with the tools to process the pain and I can ride the wave until it passes…
There have been some amazing highs on my journey. The main one for me has to be the return of my menstrual cycle. This makes me so happy as it means I can actually try (in theory) to have a family one day if I want to. My periods started going dodgy when I was 21 because of yoyo weight loss and gains… and basically the stress my body was under. But the fact my cycle is now back regularly is a very important health marker for me.
It is also liberating to eat whatever I want whenever I want however I want. No rules. But food is just not that big of a deal anymore …
Interestingly I had previously persuaded myself that a smaller body meant that I would have an amazing life and meet the love of my life who would only fancy me if I was skinny, when the reality of it is that I have had more sexual relationships since gaining weight than ever before! My social life has exploded! The difference is that I am now open to receive love because I now believe that I am worthy of love.
Every decision I now make around food and exercise centres around pleasure. The first thing I think about when choosing a meal is: what do I fancy … do I actually want this or am I eating it because I think I should or that it will contribute to changing my body in some way? It requires some real honesty.
Same with exercise, do I want to train or am I hoping it will change my body? If the answer is I am tried, I rest without guilt. I always ask, if I knew – as a matter of fact – that this workout is not going to change my aesthetics in any way, do I still want to train? If the answer is no, I don’t train, that’s how I know if I’m training from a place of love. I actually train less now but I’m ok with that. I’m sure the desire to train will waiver up and down all my life.. right now I’m focusing on other things and there’s only 24 hours in a day so it’s a choice how I use them.
Before recovery, I would scrutinise menus and decide what I was going to order in a restaurant weeks before I was even there (how did I know what I fancied at that stage? The reality is pleasure was not a factor I was bothered about), I kept a list of forbidden foods and food rules, I over trained and would walk if I felt hungry to try get the hunger to pass… it just held me back in so many areas of my life. Food was my waking thought and each day I would see how long i could starve myself for. It was utterly exhausting. I couldn’t go to the supermarket unsupervised. I even wanted to get poorly so that I wouldn’t eat. I couldn’t keep bread in the house because if I decided to have bread, I then had to eat the whole loaf because of my all or nothing personality and I was not sure when I would be allowed to eat bread again.
But now I eat what I want, when I want there is no tension or desire building up … “no forbidden fruit”… I first started with some rules (there is an element of needing to be disciplined when going “all in” but it’s a commitment to eating rather than starving) and I forced myself through the fear to have bread at every meal. I did this with other forbidden foods. I had it in abundance and guess what , now I sometimes don’t actually want it. I genuinely am fed up of bread and I never thought I would say that.
I do miss binging in some ways, it gave me a real high but now I look for ways to give me a high in kinder ways.
Sometimes I do use food to soothe myself emotionally but that’s fine, I’m happy to say that’s just one of my coping mechanisms, which is totally fine. I don’t judge myself afterwords or starve/punish myself and I am now processing and feeling my emotions.
As a result of Victoria’s coaching and freedom programme, if I think about food I eat. If I think im getting full I stop and then eat later whenever I’m hungry again: I’ve stopped shaming myself for having a different appetite compared to other people, or for needing/wanting different amounts of food each day. Basically I’ve stopped been horrible to myself for not being a robot when it comes to food.
On the good days I now see my body as an amazing eco system and I want her to be loved and safe. My body is not an ornament that needs to look a certain way in order to be loved. She is an instrument which houses all that is ME and I have a new found respect and love for myself that I never believed possible.”
“I have struggled with disordered eating for approximately 12 years (I’m 28 now) and, despite spending thousands of pounds on various types of therapy (mainly counselling, CBT, hypnotherapy), I unfortunately never managed to find peace with food. I was stuck in a binge-restrict-purge-cycle and obsessive exercise regime – hating on my body – refusing to believe that I could ever learn to love my body (and actually not even wanting to get to a point where I loved my body) for 12 years. That’s 12 years of my precious life where I was not living my “best life”. I don’t want to say it was completely wasted because that would be a lie – I somehow managed to achieve a lot during those years (I qualified as a lawyer for one) but it does sadden me when I think about what my life could have been without the weight of this god awful disease that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
The extent to which it affected me manifested in suicidal thoughts – I often felt so trapped with my eating disorder that it stole the joy of life and led me to believe that life was not worth living – at time I even wanted to take drugs to numb the battle or stop myself from eating. Sorry for the graphic details but I feel I need to get across how serious and debilitating my ED was, but to show that I am living proof that recovery is really possible.
I came across Victoria on Instagram. Ironically I saw Victoria’s profile linked through a mutual IG friend – Coached by Millie (that’s a story in itself) but Millie is someone who I considered unfollowing as Millie competes in body building and as my last bout of ED manifested in a failed contest prep, I was in a phase of unapologetically removing ANY profile on my IG that triggered me (I found it hard following athletes when I had failed).
So anyway, I scrolled through Victoria’s profile and loved her content – I felt she was speaking directly to me and I also loved the sound of her voice (do not underestimate how important it is to be “soothed” by your coach)
I also had no doubt that something had kept Millie on my friends list so that Victoria would be presented to me.
I then had a choice – do I want to reach out to V and commit to recovery (something which I now realise I wasn’t ready to do before now) or, do I want to stay within the throes of the same toxic but familiar (and comforting) ED… I describe it as an old snuggly raincoat with gigantic holes in it. It didn’t help me stay dry from the rain but it was still familiar and smelt nice so disguised some level of comfort to me. After all, my ED was all I knew and I didn’t have a clue what a different relationship with food would look like. I had visions of “letting go” and being in a much bigger body which would mean I had a miserable life… (I am aware that we live in a fatphobic society and that there is nothing wrong with fat).
On 7th September 2020 I attended a virtual introductory call with V and within 20 minutes I knew I’d finally connected with the person who was destined to coach me
It was a tough and emotional introductory call and I faced some tough questions, but I made the decision to go forward with one to one coaching.
Victoria promised me that I would feel safe, cocooned in her fierce love, and there is no more accurate description of her coaching.
Victoria honestly transformed my life.
Over the last three months I have worked hard through the food freedom modules and have had lots of additional personal tasks set by V to help my recovery that have cropped up on my journey, no one’s journey is the same. I found it hard,
for example, to go on dates and meet people when I was not dieting… and I have a personal issue with clothes sizing (buying a bigger size would literally cause a meltdown!)
With encouragement from V, I decided to go “All In” with my food journey and truly honour my hunger for the first time in 12 years. This was right for me but I’m not bullshitting when I say that going All In was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
I don’t think that anyone could have prepared me for the grief that came with letting go of, and grieving losing the “dream body” I had so longed for, for 12 years, and everything that enthralled (it goes a lot deeper than just the aesthetics, it was also a status thing).
It made me question my purpose in life if it wasn’t to look good, and it was hard to face the reality that my appearance had driven so many decisions I had made in my life.. was I really that simple and shallow?
I would not say that progress has been linear, and I am still grieving the loss of my smaller body. I still have panic attacks that my life is limited if I am in a bigger body….
There have been some real lows and I have sent many voice notes to V crying down the phone saying “ I can’t do this, I don’t want to love my bigger body..” and the temptation to go back on a diet has been high, but V’s coaching has provided me with the tools to process the pain and I can ride the wave until it passes…
There have been some amazing highs on my journey. The main one for me has to be the return of my menstrual cycle. This makes me so happy as it means I can actually try (in theory) to have a family one day if I want to. My periods started going dodgy when I was 21 because of yoyo weight loss and gains… and basically the stress my body was under. But the fact my cycle is now back regularly is a very important health marker for me.
It is also liberating to eat whatever I want whenever I want however I want. No rules. But food is just not that big of a deal anymore …
Interestingly I had previously persuaded myself that a smaller body meant that I would have an amazing life and meet the love of my life who would only fancy me if I was skinny, when the reality of it is that I have had more sexual relationships since gaining weight than ever before! My social life has exploded! The difference is that I am now open to receive love because I now believe that I am worthy of love.
Every decision I now make around food and exercise centres around pleasure. The first thing I think about when choosing a meal is: what do I fancy … do I actually want this or am I eating it because I think I should or that it will contribute to changing my body in some way? It requires some real honesty.
Same with exercise, do I want to train or am I hoping it will change my body? If the answer is I am tried, I rest without guilt. I always ask, if I knew – as a matter of fact – that this workout is not going to change my aesthetics in any way, do I still want to train? If the answer is no, I don’t train, that’s how I know if I’m training from a place of love. I actually train less now but I’m ok with that. I’m sure the desire to train will waiver up and down all my life.. right now I’m focusing on other things and there’s only 24 hours in a day so it’s a choice how I use them.
Before recovery, I would scrutinise menus and decide what I was going to order in a restaurant weeks before I was even there (how did I know what I fancied at that stage? The reality is pleasure was not a factor I was bothered about), I kept a list of forbidden foods and food rules, I over trained and would walk if I felt hungry to try get the hunger to pass… it just held me back in so many areas of my life. Food was my waking thought and each day I would see how long i could starve myself for. It was utterly exhausting. I couldn’t go to the supermarket unsupervised. I even wanted to get poorly so that I wouldn’t eat. I couldn’t keep bread in the house because if I decided to have bread, I then had to eat the whole loaf because of my all or nothing personality and I was not sure when I would be allowed to eat bread again.
But now I eat what I want, when I want there is no tension or desire building up … “no forbidden fruit”… I first started with some rules (there is an element of needing to be disciplined when going “all in” but it’s a commitment to eating rather than starving) and I forced myself through the fear to have bread at every meal. I did this with other forbidden foods. I had it in abundance and guess what , now I sometimes don’t actually want it. I genuinely am fed up of bread and I never thought I would say that.
I do miss binging in some ways, it gave me a real high but now I look for ways to give me a high in kinder ways.
Sometimes I do use food to soothe myself emotionally but that’s fine, I’m happy to say that’s just one of my coping mechanisms, which is totally fine. I don’t judge myself afterwords or starve/punish myself and I am now processing and feeling my emotions.
As a result of Victoria’s coaching and freedom programme, if I think about food I eat. If I think im getting full I stop and then eat later whenever I’m hungry again: I’ve stopped shaming myself for having a different appetite compared to other people, or for needing/wanting different amounts of food each day. Basically I’ve stopped been horrible to myself for not being a robot when it comes to food.
On the good days I now see my body as an amazing eco system and I want her to be loved and safe. My body is not an ornament that needs to look a certain way in order to be loved. She is an instrument which houses all that is ME and I have a new found respect and love for myself that I never believed possible.”
