Victoria Kleinsman (00:02.242)
Hello ladies. Let me get my name picker up. So we can see who’s going to coaching me. Hello Kitty, nice to see you. Hello. Where are you in the world? Cotswolds. it’s stunning there. Yeah. I love the whole beam. Yeah, mean the attic space. Gorgeous. It’s very nice. Yeah.

I’m very pleased to meet you after all these times of watching your podcasts, which are brilliant. thank you. Yeah, I love to meet people. So if they want to put the video on and say hi, I love to connect. I want to make sure I’m saying hi to everybody. Kristy, Becca, Chell or Shell, however you pronounce your name. think that’s everyone so far. So if you would like coaching and Kerry, welcome Kerry.

If you pop your name in the chat, the chat is here. You might’ve seen me do this on the Speak Victoria recordings. And then we’ll see who’s going to be coached today with the name picker.

Victoria Kleinsman (01:17.134)
So let’s see.

I’ll start writing everyone’s name down. If you don’t want to, then I’ll just take you off.

Kerry, Kristy, Kitty. Well, no one’s wrote their name so far. Does anyone want painting today or shall I pick on someone? Well, I’m going to, well, I’ll give it one more minute or 30 seconds if no one’s put the name down. Do you want support if no one has in 30 seconds, Kitty, because you’re on camera and we’ll have a little chat? Yes, okay, yeah, that’ll be interesting. Yes.

Okay, so we’ll just wait a few more seconds to make it clear. Anyone who wants coaching, pop your name in the chat. I usually put the names in a name picker, spin the wheel, and then that’s who we have today. But no, no one’s even typing. All right. Well, Kitty, I’m all yours. Do you have a question or anything you’d like to support with today? I do have a question, which I did send in.

one of your respond things, you know, in the little box where you can send a question. And my background is I am a recovered recovering person who had bulimia for 40 years. And I am now learning to be a coach. Yeah, it’s really exciting.

Victoria Kleinsman (02:53.517)
But I’ve got to that part of my journey where I’ve got overall the physical stuff. I’m rehabilitated physically. I’m a different body and size, which I’m learning to accept very well now, really kind of moved on in that journey, partly through coaching other people. All the helps. Yeah. But I have one little niggle.

which is I live with someone who is a very keen cyclist and he’s naturally tall and lean. And when he gets into his cycling season, he can just say, he just controls what he’s eating and, you know, he cuts back a bit because the leaner you are, the faster you can go or that sort of thing. And I find it really difficult to live with because it’s very,

I don’t want to use that old word triggering, but I don’t know. It’s difficult to live with someone who’s doing exactly what I’m trying to get away from, controlling their diet and controlling their eating and their appetite. And he does it without even thinking about it. You know, it’s very easy for him, but I see it. I witness it all the time. Breakfast, lunch, dinner in between, you know, and it is, it’s just hard to live with. it provokes my own thoughts about

And it makes me feel guilty. Oh, I should be doing more, you know, I shouldn’t be in this slightly more bigger body that I’m in now post recovery and all that sort of thing. so yeah, I was just wondering how you would deal with that. Yeah. Well, you answered my question without knowing that and asked you one. was going to ask you my first question to you was going to be, well, I was actually first going to say that must be really fucking hard. Like, acknowledge that because yeah, yeah, that’s not nice.

It’s very difficult and he does have his own history as a youth. mean, I’m 60 next month and he’s going to be 53. So we’re way on in our journeys. But in his youth, he was anorexic as well. And he definitely doesn’t have an eating disorder now, but he has little symptoms of that kind of…

Victoria Kleinsman (05:15.873)
body awareness, heightened body awareness that we all have as people with eating disorders. And I catch him, you know, looking at his arms and things like that. And I really hate that. really, you know, it really, it really gets to me. And if I ask him about it, he thinks he’s, doesn’t, he’s not even aware that he’s doing it, you know, doesn’t say there’s anything wrong. Well, my question to you was going to be, how does it make you feel living with him in this season?

of his sport and of his life. And you said guilty. You might have heard me use Russian dolls analogy before with emotions. So the first Russian doll is guilt. What’s underneath and what’s the smallest doll in terms of feelings that come up for you? I suppose I’m going down the classic cascade, not good enough. Back to the centre.

Not good enough, not doing this well enough. Why can’t I? you know, it brings up those old thoughts. Why can’t I control my appetite as easily as he can and just, but I don’t want to go anywhere near that control anymore. You know, that’s how So is this part of you that’s not fully healed yet, because she will be, that’s questioning and what word am I looking for? Questioning herself and not feeling very secure in

who she is and what she wants. Cause your values from what you’re saying is not control, is not restriction. You don’t want any part of that. But there’s a part of you that’s not caught up yet that is confused. So tell me about that part, the part that is questioning and second guessing where you’re at now and where you’re going. Well, I guess it’s that sort of slight insecurity about living in this bigger body now.

I’m still not being able to quite accept that yet. I mean, am, accept, I’ve accepted, right, this is where I’m at, I guess. I’ve accepted that it’s a part of recovery that I have to accept to get better. So I’ve done that, but I’m not, I’m not at that body love stage. I don’t like the look of it. I went to TK Maxx at the day to buy some bigger wasted clothes, for example.

Victoria Kleinsman (07:36.428)
And like in one of your podcasts, you’re saying about the mirrors. Why are the mirrors so often? Or on the lighting. Yeah. I look like this jelly monster, felt, you know, and that really gave me a hard time. So I bring myself back down from that. yeah, so I guess it is still that body image. Yes, because let me ask this can clarify it easily, this question.

If you were thinner or in the body that you would prefer to have, and he was doing all these things, would it affect you emotionally like it is doing now? Do you think? No. So it is the body for you? Yeah, yeah. So yeah, that’s a good question. Acceptance you’re at, which is key because you know, we don’t get anywhere without first of all accepting.

I’m going to make a new scale now, the Victoria scale of acceptance, even though acceptance is acceptance, it’s either you are or you aren’t. But I’m just, this is coming to me intuitively for a reason. Let’s say, where are you on the scale of acceptance with 10 being fully like, this is my body. And zero being like, fucking accepting it because it is what it is. You know, that energy behind, where are you on that spectrum?

Seven or eight. Okay, good. So you’re quite high. Yeah. It is what it is. Don’t like it. Well, here we are. Yeah, it’s definitely moved on. Yeah. Like I say, from coaching other people that sort of yes. Yeah, when you have to tell people about that and describe that process, you embody it yourself. Oh, absolutely. And your clients and the people you’re supporting will feel that when you embody something on a deeper level.

they will be able to take even more healing and learning from you because you just are modeling what they’ve come to you for. Yeah. Yeah. And I’ve noticed that in my coaching, when I’ve got to this point, that’s why I start faltering because I’m not fully there myself. Yes. You can only take someone as far as you have gone. Yeah. So I want to go here with this. So you’re about a seven or eight out of like fully just being like, yeah, whatever it is, what it is, we’d prefer it to be different, but whatever. Yeah. I want to go here. What…

Victoria Kleinsman (09:55.436)
Talk to me about the part of you that thinks she will gain something if she were thinner. What does she think she’s missing out on if she were thinner? Fashion is one thing, because I used to, well, I still do really love fashion and making clothes and things like that. And I feel I can’t carry the clothes as well as I did in a…

thinner body. That’s one thing.

Victoria Kleinsman (10:33.356)
Really, what else to be honest? I suppose just a little teeny tiny bit of me still is that, you know, societal acceptance. And I think a little bit of fear of how some of my family members that I haven’t seen for a long time, you know, that classic thing are going to react when they see me now, because I’ve always been praised, you know, for being the one who was able to always be healthy and

in a slimmer body, you know. which doesn’t mean healthy, but I know why you said that. It’s an automatic word to say. People think you’re healthy if you’re in that size of body. Yeah. Yes. So two things so far, and please feel free to add anything if we’re missing anything so we can work with this. Fear of judgment from family. And the other thing you said is remind me what you said the first the first thing so I can talk about later. that was it. Yes.

So is it the fashion or is it how you think you look in the fashion you’re wanting to represent? It’s how I think I look. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you can still create and design your clothes and express yourself in the fashion you want to express yourself in, in any size body. Yeah.

bit different. exactly. And preference is different, right? You might have heard me speak about this. Let’s say I said to you, would you like a Tesla car or an old Ford Fiesta with four gears? What would you prefer? The old Ford Fiesta with four gears? Is that true? Or is that a joke? That’s really true. Because people haven’t Yeah, people don’t like electric cars. Okay, let’s go with the old Ford Fiesta with four gears.

I mean, this is me judging now trying to find an example that’s different. It doesn’t have to be, or a brand new Ford Fiesta. Is it still the old one? No, I guess I’d have a brand new one because it would be more efficient. Yeah. Yeah. OK. So let’s take that. So you have a preference of a new Ford in comparison to an old Ford. If you got given the old Ford because it gave you a free life you could get from A to B, you might be like, OK, great. Thank you for the car. Would prefer the new one, but.

Victoria Kleinsman (12:57.417)
it is what it is, at least I can get on with life. Yeah, that’s how I see when we’re healed. And there may be another step even after where I am, I’m not saying there isn’t, there might be another step where you literally don’t have a preference anymore. I’m not there yet. I would prefer a leaner body if I had a magic wand and it had nothing to do with who I am, what I am now, etc. So the way how I live is it’s just a preference that might come as a second like

Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if like this looked the same as it did when I was thinner? Oh, well, it doesn’t. Oh, well, move on. Yeah. Would you say you’re there yet in terms of fashion? Then we’re going to move to the judgment piece. I’d say that’s in my mind that that’s how I want to be what you’ve just described. Yeah. But it’s not how I know it’s not how I feel because I see myself responding, like I said, to how my husband is with his eating control and how I looked in the mirror.

and stuff like that. So I know I’m not there. yeah. I want to be there. And you will be there. You will be there. When you notice the guilt coming, for example, or perhaps you have an emotional response or reaction when you look in the mirror and your body’s not how you want it to be, what are you doing with those emotions that come up? I am telling myself that story that I just have to get

used to this because this is how I’m going to be now. I have to accept it because I want to be well. I invite you to come at this in a little bit of a different way. That’s great to tell yourself that because it’s true. Although you don’t have to do anything you get to you can. So when we use the word you have to or you need to that’s a little bit of like energy of like forcing which you will then rebel against or retract.

So in the moment when you feel these emotions, it sounds so simple that it’s so annoying, but create space for them and feel them. Let them be there. Don’t attach a story to it when you’re feeling, create a new story that serves you when you felt the emotion. So just be fully present, the guilt that comes up. Don’t wonder why that you feel guilty. Don’t make the guilt mean anything. Your brain will be doing all this in the background anyway, cause that’s what brains do, but just be present with the emotion.

Victoria Kleinsman (15:22.313)
create space, allow yourself to feel it, intuitively move your body or shake or rock or if anything, you know, intuitively comes to you to move, allow that to happen. In our early stages of healing with getting used to the binge urge, for example, and dealing with that. okay. Yeah. And then when you feel complete or just intuitively ready to move on, then you should mindset to be like, you know what, sweetheart,

I would prefer to be in a thinner body. I would much prefer this dress to look like it looked on me so many months or years ago. And you know what? Well, there you go, right? Yeah. It doesn’t. And that’s okay. Because if I did look the way I wanted to look, I would have to live with an eating disorder for the rest of my life. I’ve outgrown that shit. And then, this is what I did.

What do I value? What do I want to experience? Peace, freedom, love. Those were my top three. They’re almost the same now. They’ve changed a little bit since I’ve had my daughter, but peace, freedom, love. And so therefore I would then say, what would peace do? What would freedom do? What would love do in this moment? And it might be, you say something to yourself. It might be just you stand up straight, shake it off, shrug your shoulders and move on with an open heart. you show it like, you will intuitively get

a message on what to do next. You keep repeating that, that’s going to help you just heal even deeper. And then I just want to go to the fear of judgment from your family. So if your family were to judge you, whether they say it out loud, ideally, they wouldn’t, but whether they thought it, we wouldn’t know. But let’s say you know, somehow that they were like, wow, Kitty’s got bigger or whatever it would be, they might think.

why would that not be safe? I mean, no one likes to have something said about them in a negative way, but why might that not be safe? I think only because it would trigger those feelings again within me, like my husband’s behavior triggers in me, still fit that tiny bit of me that still wants to be thinner. think…

Victoria Kleinsman (17:48.721)
Why would it trigger that or why do I want? Why does that part of you want to be thinner?

Victoria Kleinsman (18:02.313)
I don’t know really. I suppose because I’m at that stage of my life where that was the size I’ve been for nearly 60 years, I wouldn’t know that as a baby, but all my adult life. And so this is quite a big perception change for me and seeing myself in the mirror very differently and how I feel in clothes very differently. So I guess it’s a bit of a grieving process.

absolutely. You know, the old body. Have you spent time with the grieving process? I know the grieving process comes and goes as and when. And obviously your job then is to meet that process, whatever it is, to feel it, to welcome it, to let it go. But have you spent time perhaps writing a letter to that past body and thanking it for all that it gave you and then letting it go and speaking out loud in black and white, I’m letting them go now.

I’ve read about that technique and I haven’t done it yet because there’s obviously a bit of a barrier there. Yeah, well, that’s perfect. That’s the next step. I won’t say wait till you feel ready, but I say I also don’t want you to force it because it’s a reason why you’ve not been ready or willing, but just gently invite yourself to go there. Even if you start writing and then think, actually, no, I’m I’m not right now. That’s OK. But create an environment, light a candle, put some soft music on.

And stop writing this letter of letting go to the body that served you for all these years. And also, because I don’t think I’ve said this in Plain Sight Kitty, massive fucking well done for all the work you’ve done from being that long where you were to be where you are now. Wow. Yeah, thank you. And it was coaching, actually, that took me there in an instant. It was like a complete brain shift after.

Yeah, engaging in group coaching and and yeah, just shifted my perspective completely. So yeah, really amazing. they say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. So whoever that was for you, it was at the right time, the right place. You received exactly what you needed to receive. So just trust that. I’m not saying you’re not trusting because you feel actually very grounded and actually very trusting. But as a reminder, trust that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Victoria Kleinsman (20:30.225)
These feelings that have come up are like a gift of like, hey, this still needs a bit of work, which you’re open to doing, and then you get to go there. And then there’s also a little aspect of this, it may or may not be helpful. Have you heard of Mel Robbins? No, no. She’s got a great podcast. I had a judgment about her voice. Part of me just didn’t like her voice, but she has great, that’s just a victory judgment, nothing against her personally. But so if that does

how if you do have that experience, I have it too. However, she does some incredible content and there’s actually a podcast that she’s done. The title is Let Them. So if you listen to the podcast, in fact, I’ll pop it in the group so I can find that I know where the link is. I’ll tag you in it. Your name Kitty Burke. I’ll tag you and listen to that podcast because that’s really helpful for just I mean, we’re doing the deeper work from the from what you’ve been triggered with. But it’s also helpful to just leave them to their own experience.

let them do their thing, know, your wife, like have a relationship, set boundaries, all the things and just let them do what they’re going to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do, I do work on that with myself. do. That is a sort of approach I take. That’s their stuff. I don’t need to know about it or I don’t need to be involved. It doesn’t affect me. It’s them. That’s it. But it’s everything. Everyone’s a mirror. So they’re holding back.

that it’s reflecting back to you, isn’t it? Like, you’re ready to be healed or is ready now to come up to be healed within you. And this is just the next layer. Yeah, yeah. I’ve done a little bit of mirror work to try and get more body confidence in my new body. And I have shared just recently showing my new abdomen with it.

comfy layer of fat on it now that it didn’t used to have with my husband. Look at this! That’s amazing. So that’s that’s a good start. Yeah. Really good start and also touch can help. the parts that you struggle to accept, first of all, take a few deep breaths because if you first of all go to touch yourself, your body will be like…

Victoria Kleinsman (22:49.501)
So just like relax and allow yourself to let and then if you feel safe with your husband I’m not sure because he’s in that situation that we’re triggering you right now but if as and when this happens allow him let’s say because for me it was my stomach because I’ve always been praised for having a flat stomach my entire life so when I got used to touching it lovingly and just you know circling it and and just looking at it and just letting it be soft not liking the way it looked but just being with

it with her, it feels good for me to say her. I would then ask my husband like, okay, I’m working through not rejecting or abandoning my stomach. Can you just help me by just lovingly putting your hands there when you come and hug me or, you know, purposely doing a little squeeze and allowing me to then breathe and not be like this the whole time? That can be really helpful. Start for yourself and then involve your husband and yeah, just as you know, and we’ll end here.

you’ve said it at the beginning and it’s so true, coaching others is actually a deeper healing for yourself as well. The win-win. Yeah. You really realize where you’re at when you start to coach other people. And I learned so much from my clients. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Even it’s not necessarily something I need to learn because obviously I’ve taken them where I’ve been. So I’m healed in that aspect. But there’s so much that

is still left to be uncovered. It’s a lifelong journey, I think, that gets to be exciting. But there’s something else someone will say or that will ask me to think about something for myself and just even link even more dots together. It’s yeah, being a coach is the best thing, in my opinion, in the world. Yeah, it’s really lovely. This is my kind of, not retirement project, but my new

awakening my new new role in life because I’ve been a carer for ages because I homeschooled my kids my two kids because they have various issues and they’ve all done really well and then I was looking after my mum had dementia for five years and then died and then I waited for the cat to die and then I said right now I’m gonna do my healing this is when I’m gonna start and get over this life this is your time and it’s a perfect timeline for you exactly where you are

Victoria Kleinsman (25:09.794)
Yeah, yeah. And this is my last phase of it, if you like, or the beginning of a new phase is how it feels. Yeah. Exactly. And just quickly, human design. Do you know what your human design is? No. So human design, if anyone wants to go down the rabbit hole, it’s really cool. You need to know where you’re born, your date of birth, obviously, and the time you were born.

It gives you, there’s so much you can go into, but the main aspects are really interesting. I feel like you are a, they give you an energy type. There’s like five different energy types. Then they give you a number. I’m a, wait, I’m a two, my God, I’m a six, four, if I’m remembering correctly. Anyway, I think you’re a six, four, or you’ve at least got four or six in your chart because what that means is, I’m not a human science expert by any means, is.

you learn through experience. So you fuck up if you like, you have a lot of trauma in your life, but then you learn. then you then when you get to, so 30 is the first part where you have a bit of a shift and you start to teach others. And then when you get to 60, it describes it as like being on a rooftop looking down and then people come to you and you help them with all your wisdom of your lived experience. So it wouldn’t surprise me if you weren’t, if you didn’t have a six or a four.

in your chart. So let me know. I’m just curious. I might be completely wrong, but I just… think my daughter knows about those kind of things. She’s autistic and highly sensitive. So she’s into all that stuff. So I’ll ask her about it. Yeah. Ask her. My husband’s also autistic and highly sensitive and it really validates his experience and just not that we need, you know, a permission slip, but at the same time, sometimes we do welcome to planet earth and the world we live in at the moment.

It just gives us a permission slip to kind of like be ourselves because someone who doesn’t know us is reflecting back towards you do the anyway. It’s just like, my God, that’s literally me. Yeah, Yeah. Really important. Yeah. All right. Well, I really enjoyed supporting you. Thank you. That’s really helpful. Thanks for it. I wasn’t expecting to go on. I thought there’d be millions of people.

Victoria Kleinsman (27:20.463)
I think millions of people are missing out if you ask me, but there you go. Thank you Kitty and thank you for everyone who is here as well. your presence and the space that you’ve been holding and if you do want coaching in the future, just pop your name in the chat and then it be you. Otherwise I’ll pick on someone like I did today. Alright loves, I’ll see you next month. Much love to you all. Thank you very much. Thank you everybody.

Bye.