This question was from one of my lovely listeners and I was thrilled to answer it as this was a HUGE thing for me.
Things I used to do to avoid intimacy and to hide my body;
- NEVER be naked EVER unless I was in the actual shower in which case the door would be locked
- Always have a towel, dressing gown, pjs or clothes on when not in a locked room
- Plan my timing perfectly when going to get changed/dressed as to avoid any chance of my partner seeing me undressed (eg, wait until he had gone to the toilet)
If he did initiate sex, I was too much of a people pleaser to say no if I didn’t feel like it and so I’d control it all as much as possible by;
- Making the room as dark as possible
- Body checking in the mirror alone to try to convince myself that there was at least one part of me that was attractive (that always made me feel worse as I could only see how disgusting I looked)
- Making it all about him… pleasing him, turning him on as much as possible with as little exposure of my body as possible
- Only allowing positions and angels where I felt my body looked less big and then sucking everything in and angling myself to try to look as small and as sexy as possible
- Fully concentrating on him and him enjoying it as much as possible so that we could get this over with because I certainly couldn’t allow myself to relax, let go and enjoy it myself
- Faking noises and moaning
- Hiding my body immediately afterwards and feeling relieved that he seemed to enjoy it and that would it for a week or so…
Can you relate? What a way to connect with your partner hey?
It had nothing to do with my partner
It had nothing to do with him or our relationship or how I felt about him, it had everything to do with me and how much I hated my body.
I had so much shame around my body that I allowed it to stop me from being close and intimate with the person I loved.
I’m going to share with you what I did to support myself through going from deep shame and avoidance around intimacy to being open, relaxed, free and in pleasure.
What I did to feel safe, connected, and in pleasure around intimacy…
If you’re reading this, I invite you to watch the video or listen to the podcast as I’m only going to list bullet points here, but I talk about each one in-depth. In the following paragraphs, I’ll detail the steps I took to cultivate safety, connection, and pleasure around intimacy.
I took responsibility for how I felt and started working on my shit
I took responsibility for how I felt and started working on my shit. I did this by first acknowledging that things were challenging for me and then deciding that I was willing to do the work around my body image and self-love to get to where I wanted to be. This process was crucial because it marked the beginning of my journey toward healing and self-acceptance.
I hired a coach and committed to the work of healing my eating disorder and how I felt towards my body
I hired a coach and committed to the work of healing my eating disorder and how I felt towards my body. This was a significant step as it provided me with the support and guidance needed to address deep-seated issues. The commitment to this work was a testament to my determination to change how I viewed myself and my body.
I educated myself on the topic of body image, self-love, and being confident to be yourself during intimacy via podcasts, books, and of course coaching
I educated myself on the topic of body image, self-love, and being confident to be yourself during intimacy via podcasts, books, and of course coaching. This education empowered me with the knowledge and tools to understand and transform my perceptions. It was an ongoing process of learning and applying what resonated with me to build confidence in my intimate relationships.
I practised being kind and gentle with myself
I practised being kind and gentle with myself. I was struggling, and that was okay. I dropped the inner bitch attitude and kept choosing compassion over and over again. This shift in mindset allowed me to treat myself with the care and understanding I deserved, which was essential for my healing journey.
I shared with my partner how I was feeling about it all and asked for his understanding and patience
I shared with my partner how I was feeling about it all and asked for his understanding and patience. Open communication with my partner was key to creating a supportive environment where I felt safe to express my vulnerabilities. His patience and understanding played a crucial role in helping me navigate my challenges.
I got intimate with myself and practised naked mirror work and mirror work wearing lingerie
I got intimate with myself and practised naked mirror work and mirror work wearing lingerie. I’d dance in front of the mirror to sexy tunes and allow my body to move however it wanted to move. This practice helped me embrace my body and its movements, fostering a deeper connection with myself and boosting my confidence in my appearance.
I'll look for positive things about my appearance instead of only focusing on what I disliked
I’ll look for positive things about my appearance instead of only focusing on what I disliked. This shift in focus was vital in transforming my self-image. By deliberately seeking out what I liked about myself, I began to appreciate my body more and diminish the power of negative thoughts.
I practised seeing myself as a whole person with a body, instead of only individual body parts that weren't good enough
I practised seeing myself as a whole person with a body, instead of only individual body parts that weren’t good enough. This holistic view allowed me to appreciate my body in its entirety rather than fixating on perceived flaws. It was a practice of self-acceptance and recognizing my worth beyond physical attributes.
I worked on choosing to feel sexy and turned on in front of the mirror and allowing myself to just let go
I worked on choosing to feel sexy and turned on in front of the mirror and allowing myself to just let go. By consciously deciding to feel sexy, I empowered myself to embrace my sensuality. Letting go of inhibitions in front of the mirror was a liberating experience that strengthened my confidence in intimate settings.
I even self-pleasured in front of the mirror (a whole other level I know!)
I even self-pleasured in front of the mirror (a whole other level I know!). I allowed myself to see myself in pleasure and letting go. This practice deepened my understanding of my body and desires, helping me to cultivate a sense of acceptance and comfort with my own pleasure.
I got to know myself and what I liked and didn't like by experimenting with myself
I got to know myself and what I liked and didn’t like by experimenting with myself. Through exploration and experimentation, I gained a clearer understanding of my preferences and boundaries. This knowledge empowered me to communicate my needs more effectively in intimate situations.
I focused on the connection between me and my partner
I focused on the connection between me and my partner—our emotional and physical connection, our closeness, and trust. By prioritizing our bond, I strengthened the foundation of our relationship, which in turn enhanced the intimacy we shared.
I created a comfortable environment but not in a controlling way like I did before
I created a comfortable environment but not in a controlling way like I did before. I’d have the room cozy instead of practically pitch black. I’d pop some nice music on in the background and light a candle. This shift in approach allowed me to relax and enjoy the experience without feeling the need to control every aspect of the environment.
I put on sexy underwear or got naked, whatever supported me in feeling sexy and turned on
I put on sexy underwear or got naked, whatever supported me in feeling sexy and turned on. Choosing what made me feel confident and sensual was key to setting the tone for intimate moments. This choice was about prioritizing my comfort and pleasure, creating an atmosphere where I could fully enjoy the experience.
I'd give myself full permission to relax and let go and spend a lot of time with my eyes closed initially
I’d give myself full permission to relax and let go and spend a lot of time with my eyes closed initially. (Relaxation is the gateway to pleasure). By allowing myself to relax fully, I opened the door to deeper pleasure and connection. Closing my eyes helped me focus on sensations and emotions, enhancing the overall experience.
I'd focus on the feeling and sensation of being intimate instead of what I or he looked like
I’d focus on the feeling and sensation of being intimate instead of what I or he looked like. Shifting my attention away from appearances and towards the sensory experience of intimacy allowed me to be more present and connected during these moments.
I'd pretend that he absolutely LOVED pleasing me and that he would choose to do it all day if he could
I’d pretend that he absolutely LOVED pleasing me and that he would choose to do it all day if he could. This mindset helped me relax and fully immerse myself in the pleasure of the moment. It created a mental space where I felt valued and desired, which enhanced the intimacy between us.
I'd share with him what felt really good and give myself permission to receive that
I’d share with him what felt really good and give myself permission to receive that. Openly communicating my needs and desires allowed me to experience pleasure more fully. Giving myself permission to receive was a crucial step in embracing intimacy without guilt or hesitation.
He loved seeing me in pleasure and believe it or not, much preferred it to my old way of making it all about him
He loved seeing me in pleasure and believe it or not, much preferred it to my old way of making it all about him. He could feel the difference. He could feel the way I surrendered and opened up to him, emotionally and physically. This shift in dynamic brought us closer together, fostering a deeper connection and mutual enjoyment in our intimate moments.
I'd take away any pressure for me to have an orgasm and just enjoy the experience
I’d take away any pressure for me to have an orgasm and just enjoy the experience. I shared this with him too. Removing the pressure to achieve a specific outcome allowed me to focus on the journey of intimacy rather than the destination, making the experience more relaxed and fulfilling.
I'd challenge myself when I felt exposed or anxious about the way my body looked during intimacy
I’d challenge myself when I felt exposed or anxious about the way my body looked during intimacy. When I noticed my body tensing and my thoughts and feelings going wild with shame, I’d relax and let it go and focus on the sensations and the closeness and adopt the attitude of “fuck it, he really doesn’t seem to be giving a shit about what I’m worried about in my head.” This mindset helped me to overcome insecurities and embrace the experience more fully.
I reminded myself over and over again that he does not see me the way I see myself
I reminded myself over and over again that he does not see me the way I see myself. Repeating this reminder was crucial in reshaping my self-perception. It helped me to let go of unnecessary worries and allowed me to trust in the affection and admiration my partner had for me.
I'd push myself each time to show myself that it was ok to be in my natural authentic body AND have an incredible sex life and connection with my partner
I’d push myself each time to show myself that it was okay to be in my natural, authentic body AND have an incredible sex life and connection with my partner. For example, I’d keep the room brightly lit after I’ve taken the smaller steps from pitch black to dark to cozy. These gradual steps helped me build confidence in my body and its ability to enjoy and express intimacy.
I'd spend more time naked in general in the house without hiding away
I’d spend more time naked in general in the house without hiding away. This practice of being comfortable in my own skin, even in non-intimate settings, contributed to a greater sense of self-acceptance.
I'd allow myself and him to see the real me
I’d allow myself and him to see the real me. And if he didn’t accept the real me and my real body, then I’d find someone who did. I knew I deserved respect, appreciation, and adoration for all of me. This mindset was empowering, as it reinforced my belief in my worthiness and the importance of being with a partner who truly values me. By embracing my authentic self, I created space for a relationship built on mutual respect and genuine connection.
I celebrated myself for lovingly pushing myself and doing the work
I celebrated myself for lovingly pushing myself and doing the work. I reaped the benefits of more relaxation, more pleasure, and closeness with my partner and myself. This self-celebration was crucial in acknowledging the progress I made and the positive changes in my life. By recognizing my efforts, I reinforced the value of the journey and the rewards that came with it, fostering a deeper connection with both myself and my partner.
I showed myself via my actions that it was safe, ok, and damn right amazing to be intimate in the body I had.
I showed myself via my actions that it was safe, okay, and damn right amazing to be intimate in the body I had. Feeling sexy and confident isn’t a “look,” it’s a mindset and a feeling that you get to create for yourself, and trust me, your partner will NOT be complaining. Intimacy isn’t only about appearance; it’s about SOOO much more than that. This realization transformed my approach to intimacy, allowing me to focus on the emotional and sensual aspects rather than just the physical. By cultivating this mindset, I was able to fully embrace the experience and connect with my partner on a deeper level.
Remember, intimacy is a journey, and it’s perfectly okay to take it at your own pace. Being patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate these feelings is a crucial part of the process. However, I encourage you to do the work necessary to reach the place where I am—a place of total freedom and liberation in my body, fully enjoying all that my body allows me to experience.
