It’s no secret that we live in a world where the fear of being fat ranks pretty high on the “things to be afraid of” list. Probably even higher than fears of snakes, spiders, death, disease, and the dark. I know that when I was in the eating disorder, I would have rather died than gain weight.
The fear of being “overweight” starts for most of us at a very young age, when we’re taught by movies, our parents, our peers, and through social media that, if you’re fat, you’re unacceptable … even, unlovable. That’s a pretty shit message to hear as a kid! That message leaves an undeniable impression that follows us around into adulthood.
Not surprisingly, the fear of being fat isn’t only felt by those who are considered “overweight.” Over the years coaching clients and from my own lived experience, I’ve found that even those considered to have the “perfect” body often have an intense fear of weight gain. This fear is also often experienced by those of us who’ve lost weight – it can be difficult to release anxiety that the weight will come back.
We think that when we hit our target weight we’ll be happy and perhaps we are for a short amount of time and then we’re petrified to gain any weight back again.
The fear of being fat can include fear of gaining it in certain areas of the body – like the tummy, legs or arms. Our fat phobia also extends to others, such as the fear that your child will gain weight or your partner.
Regardless of how we experience the fear, it has one common result: We are forever fucking worried about weight gain. Our inner peace and sense of freedom with food becomes almost nonexistent. We feel constantly on guard, like there’s no end in sight.
Because of how we’ve been conditioned to feel about fat, most people tend to deal with the fear using one simple – albeit completely ineffective – approach:
Don’t ever be fat.
In other words, do whatever you can to ensure that you don’t gain a pound … diet, exercise, restrict, control, obsess, rinse and repeat. We think that if we have no fat, then we will no longer be afraid of it.
The fear of weight gain can debilitate us. It can ruin our day, our week, and our entire existence. It’s the kind of fear that can keep us on the sidelines of life, and not fully living into the potential that we came here to live.
The problem is...
If you’ve tried this approach, you’ve probably seen that it doesn’t work. Sure, through chronic dieting, losing and gaining, binging and purging, or all-or-nothing eating, we might end up losing weight for periods of time. But the vast majority of us end up gaining the weight back. And through it all, the fear of being fat persists.
Those that are capable of sticking to restriction are living with a restricted eating disorder and let me tell you, that’s no fun either. I’ve been in both camps. The chronic restriction and the diet-binge cycle. Both are eating disorders, only one is seen as a superpower and is complimented.
How to get out of the cycle
Let’s get out of this endless cycle of hell shall we? If you want to work with the fear of fat in a more effective way, here’s my suggestion:
Stop fighting the fear. Don’t try to conquer this fear by controlling your calories and being thin. Instead, acknowledge the fear. Recognise that you didn’t invent this fear; it’s something that was ingrained in you at a young age. It’s a big fear to overcome, and you don’t win by fighting the fear head-on. In fact the more you fight the stronger your fear becomes. The more energy you give to it, the bigger it will grow.
Instead, the way you win is by building and nurturing thoughts and practices that gradually make the fear of fat go away. This means that you shift your focus to things like:
- What are my talents and gifts? And how can I express them more?
- What am I passionate about? And how can I give more time to those passions?
- What gives me joy? And how can I experience joy more often?
- Who do I want to be in this world? And how can I start becoming that person today regardless of my body size?
The fear of fat has us falsely believing that our worth is dependent upon a bunch of body tissue. It has us chasing after a certain weight from a place where we don’t truly value who we are right now. It’s time to claim back your worthiness my love.
4 steps to start overcoming your fear of weight gain
Step #1: Understanding you weren't born with the fear of weight gain
Recognising the Source:
The fear of gaining weight is not natural; it is a conditioned response learned from societal influences. You didn’t personally invent this fear. From a young age, we are bombarded with messages from media, family, and peers that show you via their behaviours, attitudes and words that body fat equals failure. The people closest to us applaud us when we lose weight. They’re uncomfortable when we gain it.
This fear is deeply ingrained and constantly reinforced by external sources. It’s subtly communicated in movies, cartoons, television shows, magazine images, and most profoundly, in social media. Well-meaning parents, family, friends, and experts often reinforce it, making it a global issue affecting both women and men.
Girls as young as 4 years old will already have learned to critique their own unacceptable weight and body parts. And you don’t need me to tell you how fucked up that is! As fears go, it has tremendous staying power.
It’s not your fault that you have this fear. It doesn’t make you vain or self centred. It’s really a fear of being unloved and rejected and that’s linked to life or death within our psyche.
Action Plan:
- Media Diet: The only diet you’ll ever go on that actually serves your soul! Be selective about the media you consume. Avoid any content that makes you feel bad about your body. Watch what you let into your mind. Stop watching entertainment that makes you feel bad about your body or yourself… cough… Love Island perhaps…? Stop comparing yourself to others on social media, focusing on pictures of people who you think you need to look like, and assuming that people who look “perfect” have perfect lives. Most of social media isn’t even real anyway. When I was a fitness model, I went to events where the models didn’t look the way they portrayed themselves to look on social media. Most of the time you’re comparing yourself to a fake image where the person in the image doesn’t even look like that!
- Positive Environment: Surround yourself with body-positive individuals. Spend time with people who have a positive outlook on body image. This is KEY. AND follow people on social media who are your size or bigger who are happy about it.
- Self-Kindness: Look at yourself in the mirror with kindness and gentleness. Notice people with your body type who are enjoying life. Your body is not a competition. Let go of your jealousy and envy. Bless those who seem to have the body you want. You have no idea what’s going on for them. They may naturally look like that or they may be struggling with food and their body too.
- Focus on Enjoyment: Engage in activities that make you feel alive and content, regardless of your size. Move and play in ways that make you feel alive at any size.
Reclaim your dignity by withdrawing your attention from anything that causes you to judge your own beauty and self-worth, and refocusing it on things that really matter and support your overall mental and physical health. This is the first step to getting on the road to freedom from the fear and anxiety of gaining weight.
Step #2: Recognising the Physiologic Stress Response
Impact of Fear:
The fear of weight gain triggers a chronic stress response, keeping your body in a state of “red alert.” When we’re afraid to gain weight, we’re in a constant state of red alert. This fear puts both body and mind into what is called the “physiologic stress response.” The purpose of fear is to help us survive a threat. We’re designed to go into the fight-or-flight stress response whenever we’re truly in danger. The problem is, not all fears are “real.” Many fears, such as the fear of weight gain, are imaginary and can be debilitating.
When we have an imaginary fear, we’ll tend to look for evidence of that fear coming into reality. We attract what we believe…
So when it comes to the fear of weight gain, have you noticed yourself:
- Frequently resisitng it, fighting reality.
- Constantly weighing yourself to see if your fear has been made into reality.
- Body checking in the mirror looking for body fat.
- Seeing your appetite and cravings as the gateway to dreaded weight gain.
- Putting yourself in a state of chronic dieting.
- Fighting food.
- Fighting your natural, inborn need to eat and nourish yourself.
- Making your fear into a real and constant threat.
If so, you’re not alone.
The fear of weight gain has a false “life or death” quality.
The fear of gaining weight can take us to our worst-case scenario. We blow it way out of proportion, imagining we’ll keep gaining weight and never stop eating until we explode—or something equally dramatic. I literally thought that if I gained weight I’d look absolutely nothing like myself and my body would be unrecognisable. That didn’t actually happen. sure, my body got bigger but it was the same shape, just a bigger version of it. I didn’t turn into a monster after all.
If you haven’t noticed it yet, this intense fear of weight gain can easily keep you from living your best life. It’s debilitating and constantly nagging at us. We believe that unwanted weight gain will surely make us live miserably for ever.
Weight Witnessing Exercise:
- Notice the Fear: Acknowledge when the fear arises and where you feel it in your body. Acknowledge to yourself, “My fear of gaining weight is fucking with me in this moment.”
- Rationalise the Threat: Ask yourself if the fear is life-threatening. Often, it is not. Your desire to lose weight is a preference, not a life or death event. Your existence does not depend on how much you weigh.
- Calm Down: Practice deep, slow breathing to reduce stress. Allow yourself to calm down, relax, and let go of the fear. Close your eyes and before you open them, imagine that you’re going to see yourself through the eyes of unconditional love. Open your eyes and allow yourself to see yourself through these eyes of love. Love is without judgment. This exercise helps you shift your mindset, engaging in a mature and wise inner dialogue.
Give yourself a break with the impossible responsibility you put on yourself to lose weight. Recognise that a number on the scale won’t guarantee happiness.
Step #3: Understanding How Fear Provokes Weight Gain
One of the best kept secrets in the obesity medicine and weight universe is this:
Over 98% of people who lose weight on a weight loss diet gain it back and more within a year.
If you were given the choice to embark on very challenging journey which would go against your nature and biology in an attempt to get something that you think will make you happy but you were told you will have a 98% chance of failing, would you do it?
Funny how most us spend our entire lives doing just that and then blame ourselves!
The Stress-Weight Gain Connection:
Fear-induced stress leads to the secretion of hormones like insulin and cortisol, which promote fat storage. This creates a vicious cycle where the fear of weight gain actually contributes to weight gain. Over 98% of people who lose weight on a diet gain it back within a year. This makes perfect sense why so many are afraid of gaining weight. It’s hard to lose it, and easy to gain it back.
Additionally, the stress response causes:
- Excess inflammation
- Decreased digestive capacity
- Impaired mitochondrial function
- Sleep disturbance
- Appetite dysregulation
These can encourage your body to gain weight so you’re actually inviting weight gain by fearing it.
When we’re constantly worried about our weight, we get stressed. And guess what one of our favourite stress relievers is?
Food.
In other words, a lot of people cope with their anxiety about gaining weight by emotional eating.
There’s nothing wrong with emotional eating of course but can you see the conundrum here?
It’s clear that the fear of weight gain doesn’t help us find our natural weight at all.
So, here’s what to do:
Stress Inventory:
- Identify Stressors: Write down all sources of stress in your life, including people, places, experiences, activities, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that cause you stress.
- Evaluate Control: Determine which stressors you can change or reduce. Notice which of these stressors are self-chosen.
- Reduce Stress: Focus on decreasing your overall stress burden to improve your chances of finding and staying at your natural set point weight but most importantly to improve your mental health and sanity.
Consider taking time to consciously appreciate your body. Make a list of all the ways you’re grateful for your body. How has your body faithfully served you? How has it kept you alive? Gratitude for your body is a powerful antidote for self-criticism. It’s time to create a whole new inner dialogue focused on more than just fear of fat and judgment around weight. Welcome your body into your life, and your life into your body.
Step #4: Addressing the Fear Underneath the Fear of Weight Gain
Behind the fear of weight gain lies an even deeper and scarier fear:
The fear that we won’t be loved.
Being loved is fundamental to being human. It’s a core desire built into our DNA, our cells, and our soul. Above all else, we need love. We want it, we hunger for it, we dream about it.
Sure, we can technically survive without love, but deep down, we know life is much better when we have it.
However, when we start equating our weight with our worth and lovability, as society often teaches us, we run into trouble.
Many of us have adopted the belief that if we weigh too much, we won’t be loved.
Thinness is not an innate human need. Love is. The problem is, we think we will acquire love via thinness.
This toxic, unfortunate belief prevents us from experiencing the thing we want the most: love.
Instead of focusing on the things that invite love into our lives, we become fixated on weight, body fat, and the imaginary fear of weight gain. We feel terrified about whether we’ll be accepted just as we are, so we try to become who we think others want us to be.
I’ve worked with so many clients, friends, and loved ones over the years who refused to date until they lost weight. Many spent a decade or more alone and unhappy, convinced they were unworthy of love unless they lost weight.
But look around you. People of all shapes and sizes have love in their lives. They have husbands, wives, partners, children, and grandchildren. They have great sex. They have fun. They hold hands. They stand by each other. They’re committed to each other.
Priority Practice:
- Clarify Priorities: Write down what truly matters to you, such as love, intimacy, meaningful work, and personal fulfillment. Be honest with yourself and write down the things you want that come from the deepest place inside you.
- Focus on Essentials: Prioritise these deeper desires over superficial concerns about weight. What would truly make life worth living? Focus on what truly matters most to you and go after those things in the body you have now.
- What are your values?: List down your inner most top 5 values in life and a good look at them. You might be surprised to notice that “being thin” isn’t on there when you connect with your core self and what truly matters to you.
By prioritising what’s truly important to you, you’ll naturally downsize the fear of weight gain.
Embracing a Positive Relationship with Your Body
Transforming Your Mindset:
To truly overcome the fear of weight gain, shift your focus to appreciating your body for its capabilities and contributions. Practice gratitude for your body and engage in positive self-talk.
Final Thoughts:
As far as I can tell, we are all here to learn and grow. Look at your relationship with food and body as a great teacher. If you have a fear of weight gain, you won’t be able to become your best self. Your responsibility is to grow beyond this fear, find the beautiful diamond within you, and focus on what truly matters most to you. Stop placing impossible conditions on your body, stop bullying it, starving it, and berating it. Your birthright is a happy, nourishing relationship with food and a positive, uplifting experience of your body. It’s time to claim that birthright.
If you’d like support to heal the underlying trauma and fears of weight gain so you can live the rest of your life in complete food freedom and self-love, explore 1:1 coaching.
