Heidi: “How do I know if I’m ill enough? How to start with recovery? What do you eat? I know where to start. “
Mind the unstable gap: “How to recognise if I’m ready to attempt recovery.”
Piiti: “How to stop delaying recovery although I definitely want to recover?”
How do I know if I’m ill enough?
This question has been brought to my attention many times in different ways. Other ways of saying the same thing looks like;
- Other people have it way worse than me, It’s not that bad in comparison.
- I’m not thin enough to have an eating disorder.
- It’s not like I don’t eat at all.
- I can still manage to do my job, be a mum etc.
- I’m bingeing and so I’m definitely not sick enough.
- Everyone diets and worries about their weight. Etc..
I don’t particularly love labels as we tend to them identify with them, however it can be very helpful to acknowledge the severity of where you’re currently at. We cannot change unless we meet ourselves with brutal honesty and acceptance of that first. Being in denial or not allowing yourself to see what you’re struggling with gets you nowhere.
So let me make it clear;
If your relationship to food and your body is negatively affecting your life and your wellbeing then you are “sick enough”!
You don’t need to be emaciated in a hospital bed being tube fed before you’re “sick enough.” You are sick enough now to get help and get your life back (or maybe even create a life you want to live if you’ve never really had a nice life before).
I was bingeing my face off in secret, fully weight restored and didn’t think I was sick enough to have an eating disorder because “at least I was eating… just too much!” I allowed myself to admit I had an eating disorder when I was diagnosed with anorexia in my teenage years but not when I started eating again.
Truth be told, I had never fully recovered from the anorexia. It just morphed into bulimia which I thought was only binge eating because I couldn’t make myself sick. I did however severally abuse laxatives, overexercise and restrict my food in an attempt to undo the “damage” of the binges. That’s bulimia. Any form of compensation for the binges.
Before I started true recovery at 30 years old, the bulimia HAD turned into primarily binge eating. I wanted to compensate by restricting my food, taking my usual laxatives and overexercising but I just couldn’t anymore. I seemed to have lost the ability to restrict. My body was so done with it, it fought back before I even had chance to attempt restriction. I was thinking about wanting to A LOT though. Sure, my legs didn’t walk to the shops themselves and buy binge food. My hand didn’t put the food to my mouth itself but I honestly felt like I couldn’t NOT binge. I was a passenger to the urges.
My body was done with the overexercising. It was in pain. It was tired. I couldn’t face another 90 minute HIIT session.
My digestion was done with the years of laxative abuse. I just couldn’t do it all anymore.
And so I just hid away and binged… simultaneously hating myself and feeling more and more like a failure every day. I was jealous of the past version of me who had more “will power”. I wanted to be her again.
And so my love, you ARE sick enough. I don’t care if you’re bingeing your face off, whether you consider yourself as fat or weight restored or anything else… if your thoughts, feelings and life revolve around food and fear of weight gain, you are sick enough and you deserve to get help.
How to recognise if I’m ready to attempt recovery?
This question actually made me smile and you’ll see why when I share the answer…
You’ll never feel ready to recover. #truthbomb
However, you do get to a place where you are SO DONE with where you currently are and you want a different life. Sure, you have no idea how and you are paralysed by fear but something within you wants a different future more than it wants what you have now.
The fact you asked this question shows that something inside of you is waiting for permission and persuasion to say yes to recovery. There is also a part of you that doesn’t believe you CAN fully recover because you’ve used the word “attempt”… This is of course totally normal.
That’s why (in my opinion), investing in yourself with your time, energy and money is a CRUCIAL part of your transformation. The transformation begins in the transaction. I’ve experienced this myself many times but especially when I signed up with my first coach at 30 years old. It was a shit load of money to me at the time and I had to put it on my credit card but the act of choosing me and my recovery enabled me to keep showing up when it got tough. Even when I wanted to quit. I had skin in the game.
When you DECIDE to recover, your mind is made up. There is no attempt. Of course they’ll be fear. Lots of it. And in my opinion you need a professional who has been through recovery themselves to support you on this path but there is nothing that can stop the power within you when you decide to recover.
So to answer your question with a question (many of you know my love for questions by now!);
Is the pain of staying where you are, worse than the fear of the unknown (unknown = recovery)?
And let me tell you this…
Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.
So… are you “ready” to recover?
How to stop delaying recovery although I definitely want to recover?
Delaying is all fear based. We know that tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow is always in the very near future which is why it can feel like you’re doing something positive for your recovery if you say I’ll start tomorrow. Also, if you’re constantly thinking about recovery, reading about it and learning about the how but not taking any action then nothing will actually change… unless you change something. It’s all in the action. You cannot think or educate yourself into freedom.
Wanting is different to being willing. So you say you want to recover but are you willing to do what it takes to get yourself there? Because you CAN get there you know. You just have to face your fears as you take the actions to recover. The fear of weight gain, the fear of losing control, the fear of losing who you are, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of what might come up when you dive into childhood stuff, the fear of getting it wrong, the fear beneath the fear.
The fear beneath the fear is the fear that whatever happens in recovery, you don’t think you can handle it. But here’s the thing… I KNOW you can handle it… That’s why I’m so fucking great at what I do 😉 My clients FEEL that I KNOW they can and I support them through it. All your brain needs is a few pieces of evidence to support that you can indeed face your greatest fears and not die. Instead you survive and grow. And that’s when the rubber really meets the road.
So what are you waiting for? If not now, when?
How to start with recovery?
The best place to start is to get support. Hire a coach if you can. Do whatever it takes to get the resources together, as coaching (with a decent coach) is life changing. I support my clients step by step so they know exactly what to do.
If that is not doable in any way for you then join a trusted free support group and participate in there. Ask questions. Share your struggles. Connect with others who are on the same journey as you.
Tell your loved ones that you’re starting recovery. Declare it out loud. Write a declaration to yourself and sign it. Make it official.
Read books in recovery. I’ll list the ones I recommend at the top (top 6) and then I’ll list the ones that the ladies in my group have recommended;
- “Rehabilite, Rewire, Recover.” by Tabitha Farrar
- “The Homeodynamic Recovery Method” by Gwyneth Olwyn
- “The Fuck It Diet” by Caroline Doner
- “Life Without Ed” by Jenni Schaefer
- “Accept That You Are Imperfect” by Jade Grantham
- “Body Positive Power” by Megan Jayne Crabbe
- “An Apple A Day” by Emma Wolf
- “The Girls at 17 Swann Street” by Tara Zgheib
- “An Internal Family Systems Guide to Recovery from Eating Disorders” by Amy Yandel Grabowski
- “Brainwashed ED” by Elisa Oras
- “Bulimia Sucks” by Kate Hudson-Hall
- “8 Keys To Recovery From An Eating Disorder” by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grbb
- “Bulimia Help Method” by Ali Kerr
Of course with books, the most important thing is that you implement and take action on what you are learning, otherwise you’ll just know more about recovery but you won’t actually be living it and getting closer to freedom.
The next thing is to write a list of all the eating disorder behaviours that you currently engage with. Eg;
- Waiting as long as possible in the day before eating.
- Weighing, counting and measuring your food.
- Weighing yourself.
- Standing up instead of sitting down.
- Walking X amount os steps a day.
- Only eating carbs once a day.
- Only allowing chocolate at the weekend. Etc, etc.
When you’ve done that (and it might be a loooong list), write why this is not serving you anymore. Write about why you want to let go of these behaviours.
Next, write a plan of action for each eating disorder behaviour. Eg;
- Waiting as long as possible in the day before eating. –> Eat within half an hour of waking.
- Weighing, counting and measuring your food. –> Stop weighing, counting and measuring.
- Weighing yourself. –> Stop immediately.
- Standing up instead of sitting down when working. –> Only allow yourself to stand up for so many minutes a day.
- Walking X amount is steps a day. –> Get rid of all counting devices and practice following your healthy body’s feeling on how much to move.
- Only eating carbs once a day. –> Eating carbs at every meal and as snacks.
- Only allowing chocolate at the weekend. Etc, etc.–> Allowing chocolate at any time of day on any day.
Obviously it’s easy to put it in black and white and you’ll no doubt have fears and objections about “just doing the opposite” which is again why support from someone who knows what they’re doing is crucial. You need to be working on the fears underlying changing these behaviours, otherwise you’ll only be working on the behaviours themselves which won’t leas to lasting recovery. That’s why I work in a very holistic way with the 5 pillars of my Real Recovery Roadmap; Trauma release, Inner child healing, Body Image, Self-love, Repairing relationship with food.
Then, identify any blocks or challenges you might face when implementing these changes and make a POA for each. EG;
Eating within half an hour of waking.
Challenge = Distracting yourself and being busy so you eat later than within the planned half an hour.
- POA = Ask the person you live with (if applicable) to make breakfast for you or hold you accountable to eating within half an hour of getting up.
- Set an alarm on your phone with a sassy message such as “Listen my love, delaying eating will only keep you stuck where you are. Do you want that? Well then, it’s time to eat!”
- Promise a friend that you’ll send them a photo of your breakfast every morning before a certain time. Etc.
Bottom line is, GET STARTED! If not now, when?
What do you eat?
The short answer to this is; whatever your mind, body and cravings want! However I know it’s not as straight forward as that for most so here’s my long answer;
If you don’t have hunger signals either mentally or physically, then start with 3 meals a day, 2 snacks and a dessert. Each meal would include a least 1 carb, 1 fat and 1 protein (fibre can be added but not in excess). This might look like;
- Breakfast: 2 slices of toast with butter, 2 fried eggs, smashed avocado and some fried cherry tomatoes or porridge made with full fat milk, peanut butter, banana, seeds and honey.
- Snack: Flapjack (which is an oat bar made with golden syrup, oats, nuts and seeds etc).
- Lunch: Jacket potato with cheese and beans and salad or left over dinner from the night before.
- Snack: Chocolate bar and pot of yoghurt.
- Dinner: Lasagne, garlic bread and salad.
- Dessert: Chocolate brownie and ice cream.
To help you with portion sizes imagine that you’re portioning out that meal or snack for a loved one who enjoys food. If you’re at a cafe or restaurant this is easier as your portion is already given to you.
What to eat specifically is up to you! Imagine you’re speaking to little you. What would she like to eat? For example, at lunchtime for one of my clients it was frazzles (a bacon flavour bag of crisps) and crumpets with butter and cheese. Then mini eggs.
If you really haven’t got a clue then look to others (who eat normally) for inspiration. You can even google “typical breakfast, lunch and dinner ideas.” Avoid any diet and clean eating websites. BBC Good Food is a nice website.
If you have mental hunger (which I’d bank on you having) then follow that. Mental hunger is thinking about food. Eg, if you’re thinking about cheese on toast then eat that. Yes, you’ll have fear, obviously, but it’s ok the fear can’t hurt you but the eating disorder can. If you’re thinking about chocolate, eat some even if you’re physically full. Your body will show you what it needs.
Keep following your cravings and your desires and eat whatever it is without holding back. I know this might sound quite ridiculous but it’s the only way to full freedom and peace around food and actually makes sense when you think about it logically…
You want what you need. And so if you didn’t want cheese, you wouldn’t be thinking so much about it. For example, I’m not sat here day-dreaming about a cheese toastie with red onion chutney like I used to. I’m not bothered about one at this moment. That’s because I allowed myself have cheese toasties whenever I wanted one EVEN WITH MY FEAR OF WEIGHT GAIN. If you’ve restricted yourself for X amount of years then you’re going to feel obsessed with food when you eventually allow yourself to eat it. This is normal and will pass the more you ALLOW all eating.
Your fears foods
If you are unable to just eat because of the paralysing fear, what can be helpful is for you to make a list of your fear fears and put them in colour order. The ones you label red give you the most fear, orange a little less and yellow not so much. Then you can start to add in yellow foods and then orange and then red.
I did go all-in right away with my recovery. I was such an overachiever I wanted to overachieve at recovery so I got started right away with my red foods. One of my red foods was Nutella because I’d binge on it uncontrollably. Those of you that know my story by now know that I literally used to microwave a jar and drink it. And so I’d start to add Nutella into my porridge in the morning and on toast as a snack. It become less charged and eventually just became Nutella.
If you don’t binge and you’re so terrified of a certain food that you haven’t eaten it for years then the above process will still work for you. You train yourself by your behaviours and so you’ll be showing yourself that it’s actually ok to eat this scary food and you don’t combust into flames after all. And you can handle the feelings of guilt and fear afterwards.
Getting support
I know I keep repeating myself but support though this process is so crucial in my opinion. And I’m not saying this over and over again so that everyone will be lining up to work with me! If I’m the coach for you then great, I genuinely can’t wait to meet you but if I’m not or if coaching isn’t doable for you (my 1:1 coaching services start from 1,000 Euros) then get support some how some way. With coaching the accountability, the step by step processes, the support and guidance, the tough love, the compassion and having someone in your corner who gets it is priceless.
Either way, you don’t have to do this alone.
