“What if losing weight would make me feel better physically?”
This is a question I received from one of my lovely listeners so thank you for the question. Let’s dive in!
My experience
I want to start off by saying that I only have my personal experience to understand where you’re coming from as I’m not in what society considers a fat body. I would describe myself as in between straight to mid-size. I will do my best to answer this question with as much empathy as possible as I share my expert opinion within this area.
I don’t know if the asker of this question is in a small-fat, medium-fat, large-fat or super-fat body, (these descriptors are how fat activists describe themselves as fat is a spectrum,as is everything). Of course, depending on which body each individual is in will affect the experience they have in the world.
Fategories
I got this image from this helpful website.
Of course, you think you'll feel better if you lose weight...
Before I go into the physical aspect of feeling better, I’d like to speak to the emotional side.
The world we live in celebrates thinness and the majority of people (unless they’ve done this work), presume that “fat people” are lazy, don’t care about themselves, are unhealthy etc and it’s fucked up and NOT true. They only presume this because they have been conditioned to believe this. As have you most likely.
So no wonder we think we will feel better if we lose weight. The fucked up thing is we WILL most likely feel better if we lose weight. I’ve been there many times. People celebrate you and ask what your secret is. They admire your “discipline” and “willpower”. They compliment you on your weight loss.
And why do they do that? Because they’ve been conditioned to believe that thinness is the ultimate “success” in life. If you’re thin then you automatically must have your shit together. You must be happy and energetic and in love with someone who adores you. Because thinness is hard to come by (unless you are genetically thin) and so people spend their entire lives and a fuck ton of money trying to get thin and stay thin.
The problem is…
There is not one proven method of intentional sustainable weight loss. Ever recorded.
There is not one proven method of sustainable intentional weight loss. Ever recorded. UNLESS you live with an eating disorder or keep restricting your eating for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. <– Which in my opinion is (at the very least) living with disordered eating if you’re suppressing your cravings, counting calories and constantly moderating yourself.
Eating is supposed to be joyful, nourishing and pleasurable.
The good news is that when you do the work and when I say “the work”, I referring to the process that I guide people through in my REAL Recovery roadmap;
- Trauma healing
- Inner child connection
- Body image
- Self-love
- Healing relationship with food,
you know that losing weight won’t make you happier because you know that that’s an inside job and has nothing to do with your body size.
And as I’ve just mentioned, there IS NO WAY of sustainable weight loss unless you want to live with an eating disorder or disordered eating for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. And that shit is not fun nor mentally or physically healthy. There is a book called “The Secret Life Of Fat” which is actually quite an interesting read. It’s riddled with fat phobia, just to prewarn you , but she discusses how fat is way more than just storage and if you want to lose weight and keep it off then you HAVE to keep restricting every day of your life and eating less and less over time. She also speaks to the genetic component of obesity which again is supportive of going against the standard; “Obese people just need to take care of themselves.” As if it’s simply a choice not to be fat.
IS it a choice to be fat?
No! There are so many layers to this as everyone is so different. Of course, lifestyle supports health and can have an impact on body size but not as much as we might think. The most determined factor in body size is genetics. And when we have a happy and healthy relationship with food and our bodies this is when we arrive at our natural set point weight which is healthiest for us.
People often ask me; “What about people who eat Mcdonald’s all day every day who are fat?”… and I say;
We have no idea what’s going on for them. Maybe they’re so disconnected from their bodies that they don’t know what feels good physically and emotionally for them concerning food. Maybe they’re emotionally eating or eating only for convenience and haven’t been shown another way. Maybe they’re numbing past trauma as a way to cope. Maybe they’re happy eating that way and don’t want to change anything. Maybe they’re genetically that size and have the genetics for binge eating disorder, which is different from binge eating (as this only happens in response to restriction) as it has to do with the hunger and fullness hormones not functioning correctly so the person is always hungry. We just don’t know.
Would these people lose weight naturally if they healed any trauma they might have, learnt (or more so remembered) how to eat with intuition, regulated their emotions, created joy in their life and so many other things that I support people with? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe not.
So no being fat isn’t simply a choice. And just in case you’ve forgotten, there is not one proven method of sustainable intentional weight loss. Ever recorded.
Feeling better if you lose weight...
I’d like you to write a list of WHY you think you’d feel better if you lost weight from an emotional perspective. We will delve into the physical aspect in a moment. This is what my list used to look like;
- more confident
- feel sexy
- more attractive / desired by others
- happier
- successful
- in control
- more likeable/accepted
Now, with your list, I’d like you to ask yourself what you’re really seeking. For example, I’ll use the first 4 off my list to get you started;
More confident
What would it mean if I was more confident?
I’d be able to be more myself without worry of judgment.
Core seeking: Authentic self-expression
Feel sexy
What would it mean if I felt sexier?
I’d be able to relax and receive pleasure during intimacy without worrying about what my body looked like to my partner.
Core seeking: Self-acceptance and pleasure
More attractive / desired by others
What would it mean if I were more desired by others?
I’d feel powerful and in control.
Core seeking: empowerment and safety.
Happier
What would it mean if I were happier?
Who doesn’t want to be happy? Being happy feels good.
Why would losing weight make me automatically happier?
Because I would like the way I looked.
Why would that make me happier?
Because I’d be proud of myself and my appearance.
Why would I be proud?
Because I’d feel like I’d achieved something that everyone else wants.
Core seeking: Validation and acceptance.
It's nothing to do with your body...
Are you starting to see that actually it’s got nothing to do with your actual body? but instead it’s all about what you make how your body looks MEAN about you and what you’re seeking. You think you’ll get those core seeking via thinness. You won’t. Because even if you do (I did), it’s all smoke and mirrors. You’re not actually getting to the root of what’s underneath and so it will be a never-ending seeking via your body size.
When you do the inner work with a professional such as myself who knows what they’re doing, to get all of your core seekings met (by yourself), your life will change in the most indescribable way possible!
Weight loss will go from;
“I must lose weight” *Proceeds to think about this for the infinity hours —> “It would be nice if I was magically thinner but honestly, who cares? Not me anymore” —> *Lets the thought go in a second and moves on.
But what about physically feeling better...?
I’d like you to do the same exercise as above and write down how your life would be better in your physical body if you lost weight. It might look like this;
- I’d be able to exercise and move my body more easily
- I’d be able to tie my own shoelaces as my belly wouldn’t be in the way
- I’d be able to have the intimacy I’d like without being hindered by my body size
- I’d be able to fit in normal chairs in restaurants
- I’d be able to run around after my kids
- I’d feel healthier
- My knee pain would go due to less weight on joints
Now here comes the shit part… Because there’s not one proven method of sustainable intentional weight loss ever recorded, regardless of how much you would feel better physically if you did, there is nothing that you can do to make these automatically better. And this sucks. And I’m sending you the biggest hug and sharing your anger, sadness, shame and frustration with you.
Here’s what I would recommend;
- Feel your feelings. Knowing that all you can do is either accept and surrender to what is or diet to perhaps get some short-term relief (please don’t), will bring up a lot of feelings. FEEL THEM ALL. Write about them. Have a tantrum. Get angry. Express your feelings.
- Write a second list of how you can actually support yourself through the first list as much as possible. For example;
I’d be able to exercise and move my body more easily
What can you do to support yourself with this? Maybe get some really comfortable supportive sports clothing and trainers to start with. Work on your cardio fitness step by step to improve cardiovascular fitness. You’ll be able to improve this regardless of your body size and then you’ll find it easier to move around etc.
I’d be able to tie my own shoelaces as my belly wouldn’t be in the way
Can you get a step to support yourself with this?
I’d be able to have the intimacy I’d like without being hindered by my body size
What modifications can you make with your partner that are as close to what you desire as possible? Get creative, there are all sorts out there including sex swings and such like to support with positions.
I’d be able to fit in normal chairs in restaurants
Can you go to restaurants with fat-positive friends who stand up for you and support your right to inclusion? Can you call the restaurant beforehand and explain your concern so they can accommodate you? Can you share with certain places where they can improve to make their place more accessible to people with bigger bodies so they can learn and improve?
I’d be able to run around after my kids
Again, here you could work on your fitness and make adjustments like maybe getting a bike if you’re with them and they’re running a lot. Circuit training is great for supporting everyday movements such as carrying, running, twisting etc and improving strength and fitness.
I’d feel healthier
What does feeling healthier mean to you? If you want to feel healthier within your body, what does that look like for you? Eating more fibre? Walking more? Sleeping more? Cleansing your face twice a day? Adding in more protein?
Get clear on what that looks like for you and then start to make small steps towards implementing these into your life WITHOUT restricting. Restricting doesn’t work as we know. It’s all about adding in, not taking away. As a result of adding in, you might naturally eat less of some stuff and you might not.
Healthy isn’t a body size, it’s a feeling, physically and emotionally that you can support yourself in creating.
My knee pain would go due to less weight on joints
Do you absolutely know this to be true? Or would your knee pain still be there if you lost weight? Thin people have knee pain too. What can you do to support your knee now? What physio can you do to support it? How can you take care of yourself?
Summary
Whether or not you would feel better physically if you lost weight, doesn’t magically make weight loss work. And that sucks and I’m sorry. AND you can support yourself as much as possible through the physical discomfort and do the inner work to support yourself emotionally. You CAN be fat and happy and have an incredible life. Take the likes of Vigie Tiovar for example. She is a prime example and there a many like her such as Ragen Chastain. Be inspired by these badass confident and fat women. Bri Campos is another great resource for body grieving and body acceptance in a fat body.
Feel your emotions. Express yourself. Be kind to yourself and choose to LIVE in the real body you have today. Life is a gift.
If you’d like support, join my free support group where I offer the occasional free coaching call (we have one this Friday!) or work with me 1:1.
