Speaker 2 (00:44.032)
You can’t hear me,

Can you hear me now? I can hear you. Hello.

Nice to meet you, how do I pronounce your name? Tegan, hey Tegan.

Begin.

Victoria are you good?

Speaker 2 (00:55.672)
I’m great thank you, it’s beautiful weather here, I don’t know what it’s like over there.

Yeah, it’s done in here as well, really nice and warm. We’ve needed it.

And we won that one.

I am recording this, is that okay? Excellent, love that. Do want to jump straight into it? Awesome. So, hello again. Thank you for coming. I’m so appreciative. I’m really excited. I’ve got some awesome questions. Victoria, can you tell us about how you help people reshape their relationships with food?

Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:12.728)
Do it.

Speaker 2 (01:19.307)
me.

Speaker 1 (01:34.568)
and general self-perception and some of the awesome things you and your clients are currently achieving.

So how is a very, very long winded answer with many layers to it, but I’ll try and generalise it as much as possible. And obviously ask me any questions around that, what you have with my answer. So all in all, I help women and men, sometimes men, but primarily women to heal their relationship with food, their bodies and themselves. And we do that by getting right to the root of why the eating disorder was created in the first place, why the body image issues were created in the first place.

We work on inner child stuff, a lot of self-love, a lot of body image, a lot of mindset, and we can go into how that actually works if you like, to then heal the behavior. So the behaviors are always a symptom of the root cause because it’s not, this quote isn’t mine, I can’t think who said this quote, but it goes something like this. It’s not why the addiction, it’s why the pain. So we always need to go to the root cause to eradicate that, to heal that, and then there’s no relapse.

because everything’s healed at the root, not just changing their behaviors.

Nice. And can you sort of recognise where them, well, as they’re talking, can you kind of end up recognising little glimpses of where them route things might have started?

Speaker 2 (02:51.948)
Definitely, it’s always, always, always childhood, always. Even if someone comes to me and they’re like, yeah, you know, I had no problem with my eating until I was like 16 or 20 when I went to uni or whatever it was. And then I’m like, okay, so I’m banking that. That’s when the behavior came through. But before that in childhood, there were feelings of not feeling good enough, needing to be perfect, being an overachiever. And it’s not to blame the parenting that they’ve had, it’s just to get curious as to why this

person as a child internalize these things, because what happens is we have all this conditioning and all these experiences from the second we’re born. And as children, we’re rightly narcissistic. What that means is we make everything about us. So if mum’s upset, it must be our fault. If dad’s angry, it must be our fault. Unless the parent makes it very clear that it’s not our fault and it’s okay to feel emotions and all the things. So we experience it.

an experience. let’s say as an example, let’s say you witness your mom trying on jeans and then being like, like, she’s upset or annoyed because the jeans are too tight. And then she might make a comment about she needs to cut back on cake or sugar or whatever. So even though she didn’t say to you directly, you’re not good enough unless you’re thin, what this mother is teaching her child without knowing it is

It’s bad to have genes that are too tight. You need to cut out food to lose weight, to be happy and to be okay. So we internalize that in children and then we create a belief around what we’ve internalized. So this child in particular might have internalized being thin is good or being fat is bad. And we get it from all over the place, not just our parents. And then what happens with a belief is we create stories around that belief. And then over the course of our lives,

we reinforce the strength of that belief. So then from the second it’s created within ourselves, because we’ve internalized what that means, because we have to make something mean something, that’s what humans do. We have to find meaning. And then we spend the next one, two, five, 20, 30, 40 years finding people, places, things, experiences that reinforce the belief that fat is bad and thin is good. And that feels true to us. Just a story.

Speaker 1 (05:14.338)
Yeah, for sure.

Ultimately that we get to change, but we have to unlearn a load of shit to be able to do that first

Literally. And like I work with kids now and they’ll say something like, no, I’m being good. And they’re like, hey, and I’m like, what do mean you’re being good? Like having sweets or something is like being bad.

Exactly. And they make it about themselves. It’s not even about, I’m being good with food, which is still fucked up to say they’re making it about themselves. I’m good if I don’t eat cake or sweets and I’m bad if I eat sweets.

Yeah, literally. And then like all the other friends is like, I want to be good too. Do know what I mean? It’s like a spiral of comes from one parent, but unknown. Yeah. It gets passed down. What age do you think it starts at? Or do you think it starts from?

Speaker 2 (05:57.848)
Yep.

Speaker 2 (06:04.65)
Exactly.

Speaker 2 (06:12.662)
It can start as early as… It’s everywhere, isn’t it? It’s absolutely everywhere. So even in the foetus, so even in the foetus, that makes no sense, even in the uterus, the baby like in the uterus, it takes on all the emotions of the mother. So granted the foetus can’t know when a mother’s feeling an emotion about a body or food inside of her in the uterus, but it feels her emotions. Then the second it’s born,

Well, it’s in it.

Speaker 2 (06:40.888)
Pre-language, so obviously we only have memory back until we can start to learn to think in words really and start to place things. So my memory I think is my earliest memories from when I was like three. I’m not sure. you remember when your earliest memory was?

I don’t. I got asked it like a couple of years ago and I could tell you like little snippets but even then I couldn’t really truly recognize how old I was.

Yes. So our memories start properly. Well, our memories have always been there, but we remember as adults like back when we can start to start speaking. So what I’m saying this for is babies learn pre-speech because the body never forgets, the nervous system never forgets. So again, if the baby’s watching their mother in the mirror and the mother’s looking disappointed at herself in the mirror, maybe grabbing her tummy or, you know, I’m sure we know how we feel when we’re

all done that before, when we’re like looking disapproving at ourselves in the mirror, the baby’s learning pre-language that looking at like yourself in the mirror is not a happy thing to do, just because of what the baby watching her mother’s expression and her body language. And so it can start pre-verbally. And also in terms of us not feeling good enough and a lot of us feeling like we can’t ask for what we need and we feel like a burden.

if you were left to cry as a baby, which when my mum brought me and my sister up, the experts told her to put a timer on for 10 minutes and let your baby cry for 10 minutes. And if after 10 minutes, then you can go pick your baby up. So like I would cry myself to sleep every night because that’s what my mum thought was the right thing to do. Yet what I was learning as a baby, free language was, no, my needs don’t matter because no one comes to help me. I feel, so you internalise that. when you do get

Speaker 2 (08:32.823)
to create language, the language of like, I’m a burden or I don’t want to upset mom or all this stuff that can’t be helped unless you know exactly how to do it and we all get it wrong because we’re human. But it starts as early as babies, a long-winded answer to answer that question.

No, that was absolutely sensational. Thank you. Great answer. And yeah, I love everything that you’ve just mentioned. And it is wild because even now, some parenting things will come up and some people still do that, that they’re trying to train their baby how to regulate themselves.

Yeah, but they can’t regulate themselves until a certain age.

Yeah, I know.

That’s the thing, because a bit about babies, because you probably know I’m a new mom, so my baby is like 15 weeks old now, and I’ve learned a tonne. I am her nervous system right now because she physically is unable to regulate herself, so therefore I am regulating her emotions until she can regulate herself and I’ll be with her in her emotions.

Speaker 1 (09:36.12)
Yeah, and you’ll be with her while she regulates.

Exactly. Yes.

Exceptional. Is there some things as like motherhood that you’re going to consciously not do? Do you know how the examples that we had of like trying on the jeans, looking in the mirror, are there some that you’ve like stuck to that like you will never ever ever do these things?

So many, I’ll give you a few. my didn’t do. that’s a bit harsh because my mum was just doing the best with what she knew, you know, with what she could. But I will not be looking in the mirror disapprovingly. I also won’t be spending a lot of time in the mirror. So I’ll appreciate my body, which is what I do anyway, because I’ve been through all this work myself. But my daughter will see me appreciating my body in the mirror and speaking kindly to it.

but not body checking, even if it’s from a positive place, body checking is showing her that the body needs to be objectified and checked on. So I will be showing her through my actions and through me modeling the behavior, I have a body that I get to experience life in. And so that’s one thing, obviously with food, I’ll be completely, well, I am completely free around food and we won’t be labeling food as good or bad.

Speaker 1 (10:43.264)
Nice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (10:52.75)
we’ll be tuning into ourselves and when she’s old enough, I’ll be asking her, how does that feel in your body? If your body could speak to you, what would she be saying right now? So I’ll be intentionally showing her how to connect to her body, but I won’t be doing any diet culture bullshit. On movies, I’ll explain to her that that person might have been picked on because they’re fat and ugly, but actually that’s just conditioning. And I mean, depending on how old she is, depending on the language I’ll use, but right from the get-go,

She’ll be learning that bodies don’t really matter. It’s the person inside and how you make others feel. All food is equal and you get to listen to your body and take care of yourself and put yourself first.

Yeah, that’s amazing. Love that. And how do you currently help your clients know what feels good in their own body?

Yeah, what great question because a lot of people that come to me, they’re completely disassociated, meaning they’ve had so much trauma in their life and trauma doesn’t have to be big T trauma like sexual abuse, although it can be. Trauma can be like I described to you, the parents doing the best they could, but leaving you to cry for 10 minutes every time because that’s what they were told to do. So it can be traumatic for a baby who is completely helpless and is just not being helped.

because in fact, I’m gonna tell you a little story that’s gonna be really beneficial, I think, to you and your listeners. And this story comes from Emma Terrell, who has written, I think, three incredible books. I’ve read two of them. One of them is called, Yourself. Definitely read it. And the other one is called, What Am I Missing? And there’s a reason I’m gonna tell this little story in answer to your question. So how many mice is there in this story?

Speaker 2 (12:35.866)
I think there’s four or five, we’ll find out as we continue, because I remember it as I tell it. So there’s four or five mice, we’ll find out how many. And they each have a cheese machine. So one mouse that’s called secure attachment has a cheese machine. And every time it wants cheese, it presses a button and cheese comes out. Done. That’s secure attachment. So that’s someone who is well-rounded, who’s had their needs met, who grows up to be an emotionally regulated, secure human without any of these dysregulated attachments.

There’s a second mouse called ambivalent or anxious attachment. And this mouse has a cheese machine. And now when this mouse presses the button, sometimes cheese comes out and sometimes it doesn’t. And also sometimes cheese comes out when it doesn’t press the button. So this mouse can’t really lead the cheese machine alone because it doesn’t know if it will get cheese when it wants it.

but it’s also a bit afraid to be near it the whole time because it gives it cheese when it doesn’t want cheese. So it’s got this anxious attachment around, I leave it? Shall I not leave it? Like, will I get my needs met? Will I not? Anxious attachment. That’s me in a mouse form. There’s a third mouse called avoiding attachment who has a cheese machine, presses the button, no cheese comes out ever. So the mouse gets to learn that what’s the point in going to the cheese machine.

I’ll completely distance myself. I’ll suppress all needs, because none of my needs get met anyway. And I’ll completely separate and distance myself from everything and everybody because you can’t trust anyone to give you anything. That’s a voicing attachment. And then the fourth mouse, unless I’ve missed a number. Fourth mouse, I on now? Fourth mouse. This is the last mouse. Has a cheese machine. And this cheese machine, not only does it give it cheese when it doesn’t want it to give it cheese,

It doesn’t give it cheese when it does want cheese and it also causes the mouse pain. So will electrocute the mouse when it presses the button sometimes and then sometimes not. This mouse is called disorganised attachment. So the cheese machine harms the mouse physically or emotionally. It doesn’t know whether to stay to get the cheese because sometimes it gives it, sometimes it doesn’t. It doesn’t know whether to avoid it because it gives it pain. So this mouse is completely not knowing what the hell to do. And obviously this, cheese machine is

Speaker 2 (14:54.67)
standing in for emotional and physical care. With trauma, it doesn’t just have to be locked in a room starved and beaten to death. It can be you’re crying as a baby or as a child and no one comes to you consistently because you’ve been fed, changed and you’re not hot or too cold. So you’re just left there to deal with your own emotions, which you can’t actually do because you can’t regulate yourself to a certain age. So I say that because so many people are disassociated meaning

Thanks

Speaker 2 (15:23.498)
is too painful for them to be in their body. So they live in their head because the head, because emotions are felt in the physical body. Emotions are energy in motion. Ideally, they come through you. We feel them. We let them go. So many of us don’t know how to feel because we’re not shown how to feel these big emotions that can be overwhelming to a child. So the energy is stored and stuck in the body.

That’s very painful to experience because we feel it in the physical body. So the brain says, hey, hang out in here. It’s a lot safer here. So we live in our head and we overthink and we’re what if, and we’re living in fear. So to bring this to your question, how do people connect to their bodies? We first have to connect to ourselves to feel safe in our body before we can even think about, I hungry? Am I full? What do I feel?

So we need to do some trauma work first to feel safe grounded in the physical body, get used to what that feels like. And that involves feeling emotions, which can be very overwhelming for so many people. And then when we can practice being in the body, we can then start to build a relationship with the body. Hey, how do you feel? What do you need? How can I support you today? And that involves food, relationships.

whether to make a decision or not, because you feel it in the body. But first of all, we need to be safe in the body instead of living in the head.

Yeah. And would you say that like, cause there’s a lot of like tests and stuff, isn’t there? Like, yes, without your attachment style. And you only ever really see it in dating or known as dating rather than how you approach, I don’t know your uni work or your career or something. so I think it’s really fascinating to see how, let’s say an anxious person.

Speaker 1 (17:15.937)
will have the exact same relationship with food, with people, with their work and things like that. So I know personality tests and stuff save me loads of time.

What are you in personality tests? What you in your, like, what personality tests have you done? Like, are you a typical, I mean, there’s so many of them, but what ones have you done? I’m curious.

Until then, we’ll

Speaker 1 (17:40.238)
Do you know the Maya Briggs one? I loved that one. I did, cause at first I didn’t really take it too seriously or too much to heart. Cause somebody said, Oh, do want to do this? And I thought, well, on some questions I could have selected two different answers. But you could identify with it for a while. And then I started doing more. But my like little word things is an INFJT.

Yes.

Speaker 1 (18:10.126)
Yeah, that is pretty accurate. it’s then really nice to then see what other people’s are as well. You can sort of, I don’t know, I just think you then resonate with other people who are also the same personality as you. And when you start

What’s your attachment style? Do you know?

I do know, and it’s deemed as like one of the worst, is disorganised.

It’s an organized attachment, yeah.

so yeah.

Speaker 2 (18:42.254)
Some deep work to do continuously, but you’ll do it. I’m sure you’re doing it. I don’t know much about you, you’re doing this YouTube, so I’m sure you’re working on yourself, right?

Absolutely. Yeah. And I think one of the biggest things that I struggled with during my teenage years was like such self paranoia for not wanting to be in my body. there was like huge feeling of like not being seen. Or I’d like strive for all of these like amazing achievements. And then they’d come and sort of be like, yeah, you are good enough. We want you. And then I wouldn’t

you’re self-sabotage right at the last minute.

Pretty much, yeah. And so I think a huge healing process for myself is to A, help people, because I’m like 20 times more healthier in my mind and my body and everything than what I was when I was like 19, 20, because I’m 26 now. So of course you want to sort of go back and help people, but also for almost like selfish reasons.

Yes.

Speaker 1 (19:48.206)
posting something like this, where I am admitting that I’ve got a disorganised attachment style and I’m an INFJ and the pros and cons are very accurate. To publish that online is like a huge thing for anybody I think, but especially for somebody who was like so scared of like being seen.

Yeah, that’s amazing because it’s interesting you use the word admitted. It’s actually an inspiration for you to be raw and real and authentic and fucking human, let’s be honest. I’m still working on stuff. Being a mother is such a gift because it’s brought up all the stuff that I thought I’d completely healed and left behind, which I had in terms of body and food, but then the control stuff comes back in around when she’s asleep.

and when she’s feeding. I’m like, this is so interesting that it’s like coming up in me in a different way and I get to heal that now. So we’re always a continuous work in progress. And I think you sharing so beautifully and not admitting anything because we’re all in this together is gonna be inspiring for others because yeah, you’re more advanced than other people so you can help them, but it doesn’t mean you’re perfect or you’re there, wherever there is, cause there’s not actually a there.

are there for sure.

Literally, because I used to always say like, oh, I’ll do this after I got to this certain point. I’ll do whatever. It was just always like put in points or like rewards. And it’s like, just enjoy pleasure. can like experience life and expand however I want right now. I don’t need to be whatever, a certain size, finances, certain this, that and the other.

Speaker 2 (21:15.254)
Yeah, I would.

Speaker 2 (21:38.22)
never enough. That’s the funny thing about the ego, right? Like you said, you get to a goal, and then it’s like, okay, I need a new goal. Yeah. And then it’s like, and then if you’re constantly chasing and chasing and chasing, but when we know, it’s almost like the cosmic joke, we’re always trying to be good enough. But how do we know when we’re good enough? And the joke is we already are. Literally. were born good enough. Hello.

Still not.

Go.

Speaker 2 (22:09.134)
Exactly. Everything else is just, I mean, this is a bit spiritual, but I, this is my belief. I believe we’re here to experience. So we can’t have left without right. We can’t have up without down. We can’t, we can’t know what happiness is if we don’t experience sadness. Yeah. So we’re here to experience. We’re not here to get everything right because what does that even mean? Enjoy the passing of time and then you’re winning at life.

Yeah.

Speaker 1 (22:37.358)
Yeah, absolutely. And as well, like you can look at any element of nature and you wouldn’t ever say, oh, like an opinion of like a wave or of a pigeon or of a tree. Yeah. You wouldn’t sort of have like a negative or necessarily a positive opinion. Like they’re just being, they’re just here. as like.

Yeah.

Speaker 2 (22:59.182)
I if you look at, I said this to my husband the other day, we have a lot of plants and flowers in our house. And I was like, how many different plants there are? Like whatever created life, whatever the hell that is, we’re never gonna know. That is pretty incredible. And I have a huge dog. don’t know if you’ve seen my dog on my social media, have you?

I’m not sure, sorry.

I have a Malamute, so he looks like a husky, but bigger. And the way his face is like, he’s got a little heart shaped, like dark thing around his face. And the way his hair and fur is, it’s just like, and we’re moaning about how fat we are or what we’ve eaten and what we should do and what we shouldn’t do. Take a look around at actual life. And it helps you zoom out and see that, like you said, life is such a gift. What’s important to you? That’s the big question to ask your audience.

what’s truly important in your life? Is it worrying about what other people think of you, what he says, what my genes look like? Does that really matter or is it just keeping you stuck and busy from appreciating the gift of what life actually is?

Yeah, because I think as well when let’s say you’ve got all of these insecurities at the forefront of your mind, because I’ve experienced this when they were gone, and they were like truly gone, I had to then like face like the real shit like the childhood troll. So it’s kind of like, I don’t know, do I want to like fast track and just be insecure about my body? And I have to deal with all this now?

Speaker 2 (24:21.582)
Yes.

Speaker 2 (24:32.778)
Yep.

So yeah, I think it’s really interesting when you realize how much of your headspace was so focused on your insecurities, or how you looked and like, because I do think it affects your daily life, especially with your communication with other people, especially in high levels of sort of like paranoia and stuff. And then when you don’t have that and you’re free from it, I think you that’s when you can like really

get down to the nitty gritty stuff and just actually start.

Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (25:06.976)
Live it. Yeah, that’s it because body focusing on your body and fixing your body and fixing your food and all of that. It’s a distraction for like you’re saying what’s really going on. So when this is part of my coaching, we don’t just focus on behaviors. That’s important because if you’re under nourishing yourself, then we need to be looking at that. You need to be nourishing yourself. So behaviors are important and we need to be looking at the underneath the behaviors. So like you said,

It’s so easy and distracting to focus on your body, blame your body, chase a fantasy body, because chasing the fantasy of ending up at X size gives you a bit of hope, relieves anxiety. But if you were to take away that, I used to ask myself, if I wasn’t thinking about food and my body right now, what would I be thinking about? And then underneath that, until I healed it was, I can’t be with myself, I’m not enough. Like I just felt.

innately unworthy and I had so much shame, no shame in every cell of my being. The body image and the food stuff was like a distraction from feeling the deep painful shame that was within me. So I had to face that, well, I chose to, because everything’s a choice. I chose to face that because I couldn’t continue running away from it for any longer, because wherever you go, there you are. And then now I get to just be

alive and be grateful and be happy. And yes, I have feelings of sadness and joy and annoyance and you know, I’m human, but I know how to feel and let them go. So I’m just like a channel that gets to experience life. And now I say now I’ve healed, there’s always stuff coming up, like I said, like mother has brought up other stuff. But it’s a gift you get to heal. But like you said,

It’s the distraction the behaviors are for what’s really going on. So it’s always childhood stuff, like I started off saying, and you need to reparent yourself and heal your inner child to then live and create a life that you want to live.

Speaker 1 (27:08.394)
Yeah, absolutely. Because I think as well, treating yourself like you are your own child. I was kind of doing this sort of my mid teens anyway, before I ever really knew what personal development was. Because I’ve heard a few authors sort of talking about it. And it was kind of like that conscious decision of not going to those parties, not doing X, actually getting like an early night in and I’m like 17, 18.

I mean that is advanced shit that is.

Yeah, and like I even, I even, like I kept slipping up and whatnot. I even actually got a job at a nightclub because at least it was like effective and almost like, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. But I was still there at the same time. So yeah.

Smart.

Speaker 2 (27:59.072)
Very wise, you’re obviously a very wise soul.

Well, thank you. Bye to me. Awesome. So I know that we’ve just like had an amazing conversation. And I don’t even know what to do with my own questions. But do you think there was like a pivotal moment, you know, with, cause you speak a lot about like the pushing back so much resilience on like the diet and industry.

I’ll take that.

Speaker 1 (28:32.876)
and that dieting narrative. And I know of course, like even things are popping up now and things like that, but was there a point like before you came a coach, actually that would be awesome to even touch on like, how did you build up that sort of like confidence and resilience to become a coach as well? But was there like a moment where you realized after the shame and like you went through and healed where you was like, I really have changed?

Was it like a day that you felt a moment? Because I think when you’re in it and you do all of your little things because you’ve built up a system or whatever. Well, I mean, I can’t ever say there was a pivotal moment, but I can remember those days where I’ve gone through my journals from like this date. yeah, massive. Yeah.

like where I looked back.

Speaker 2 (29:12.493)
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:22.062)
And you can see the probe.

That’s a great question. And I’m reflecting back as you’ve asked it and there’s moment that comes to mind. And like you say, recovery, healing, it’s a day by day process. So you’re in it. you must look back and appreciate how far you’ve come. But I remember it was a summer. So maybe it was, I mean, God knows what summer it would have been. I’m 38 now, would have been about seven, six and a half, seven years ago. And it was summertime and we’d gone to like a barbecue.

And so it was really hot weather. So I’d wore like a shorter dress, even though I have cellulite on my legs, shocker, most women do. Whereas I’d always cover them up because how could I dare let people see my cellulite? And not only that, it was like, I would cover up because I thought I don’t want to put them through the agony of having to see cellulite on my legs kind of thing. There was a lot of to work through. So I’d worn a short dress, gave zero fucks at what I wanted.

came back home, I was really full and I remember just lying on the sofa and feeling so content and free. And then I remember thinking, wow, I remember a time where there would be so much anxiety. First of all, I would never have worn the dress. It would have been really hot in leggings. Then I would have stressed about what I would have eaten. I would have either restricted and then binged or tried to restrict the entire time or binge the entire day like one or the other. And I remember just looking back and thinking, I’m so proud of myself.

So that, yeah, so thank you for that question. So I’ve not actually thought about a particular moment where I look back and then also in intimacy, actually, again, I can’t remember the particular moment, but when me and my now husband were being intimate and it was the first time I could really completely just let go and surrender and receive instead of what does my bum look like from that angle? Have I got a role? What you know how it is.

Speaker 2 (31:23.052)
And that was the first time I was able to experience mind blowing pleasure because I completely let go of all my insecurities around my body as well. that was a big moment thinking back actually.

And did you talk about it together? Like, could you realise that you would let go? I bet that was powerful for your relationship actually. Was you engaged at that point?

Yes. I think we knew we were newly engaged. We were engaged. And I shared with him the insecurities I had. I mean, he knew I had insecurities because when I first met him, when I first met him, I was fake confident. So I had the six pack, the nine percent body fat, full on eating disorder, acting all confident and cocky. But it was just a show for the insecurities I was covering up. Then when I moved to the Netherlands to be with him, I couldn’t hide the eating disorder anymore.

So I shared everything with him and then I shared in intimacy, like, I can’t, sometimes I feel so bad if it takes so long to happen because I’m in my head and I’m wondering what you think about me and all of that. So it really helped to share. He was a safe person to share with though. I wouldn’t have shared this with just a randomer. You to feel safe to share. And then what he would do is he would help me work through it. So the parts of myself that I didn’t like him to touch, like my thighs, where my bumpy cellulite was,

or my little kangaroo pouch, I call it, we would do work together where he would actually touch those parts of me where my body would automatically be like, like this and tense. And I would practice relaxing as he was touching those parts of me in a nonsexual way to begin with, just touching me. And so actually kind of did a lot of body work together. And then I got used to my asking my body to relax when he was touching the places where I was like, my God, I want to die because it must be so disgusting for him to feel.

Speaker 2 (33:13.538)
And I trained myself that it was safe to allow myself to be touched in these areas. And then I started off like closing my eyes a lot during intimacy. So I said to him, like, I know it might be a bit weird, but I’m gonna focus on like feeling and closing my eyes and going inwards and feeling what it feels like to be with you, other than what is going on with my eyes and I’m gonna be all in my head. So we did work together. He helped me a lot.

And it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in terms of intimacy, but you need to be working on yourself. You need to be having the conversations. You need to be touching yourself on the areas that you feel like freaked out about others touching you. Because if you want something, not everything has to come with work because I don’t dig that belief anymore. Everything, what’s that saying? Like everything worth having doesn’t come for free or something like that. Yeah, I don’t.

Believe that, but I’ve found through experience that if you really want something and there’s a lot of fear there, you have to work through the fear and it is uncomfortable until it’s not.

Yeah. Yeah. I love this saying where it’s like, I think it’s Leila Hormozi. She goes, you realize that fear is like an inch deep and a mile wide. So it’s like all of these. Yeah. It’s like all of these fears, like, yeah, there’s still fears. Yeah, you can still see them. But when you step your foot in, you can walk through it. So it’s like not about eradicating the fears. It’s just being able to like calmly walk

I love that.

Speaker 2 (34:43.181)
I love that.

Speaker 1 (34:51.518)
you come yeah I’m gonna drown essentially

You’re right. Yeah, people say to me all the time, my God, Victoria, you’re fearless. And I’m like, no, I fear less, but I’m not fearless because I’m human. But I get excited, I this sounds really weird. I get excited when I’m afraid of something or when I’m triggered because I’m like, ooh, this is something to dive into. Like, obviously at the time I have a reaction and then I can, I’m very good at noticing my reaction and sitting with my feelings.

Yeah.

Speaker 2 (35:22.742)
and sharing with my husband if it’s about him and our relationship. Like, I feel like this way when you did that, like, can you help me unpack it please? Cause something’s going on right now. And I feel like a child like wants to you to fuck off or something. So can we explore what’s going on here? So I get excited when I’m afraid or getting triggered because I know on the other side of that is gonna come a wiser Victoria. I’m gonna grow again. And it’s just constant.

letting go, evolving, letting go, evolving, like probably till I die. Well, I know it will happen until I die.

Yeah, I think once you like sort of program your mind to be curious about your own triggers and stuff, you can’t really not want to solve them. however, like, because you know how much you do grow and evolve because you’ve already created so much evidence of all of the things that you’ve overcome. Yeah, literally. And I think that’s the part of the personal development, um, sort of advice industry that I love.

No.

Speaker 2 (36:16.494)
Evidence is the key word.

Speaker 1 (36:25.942)
because it’s just like so true, you know, like you.

The brain loves evidence. The brain loves evidence. So if someone has a fear of spiders, let’s say, you can’t overcome your fear by talking about it, by looking at pictures, by reading about it, by having conversations about it. You have got to, if you want to overcome your fear of spiders, no one’s making you. If you want to, you have to face the fear by literally exposure therapy. It’s the same with emotional fears, like the fear of weight gain.

Yeah

doesn’t mean you have to intentionally gain weight, but you have to start acting like a person who is not afraid of weight gain. And deal with the emotions that come up for you and the fears that will be there when you act like a person who’s not afraid of weight gain. Because then you’re gonna get to the juice of what’s actually going on. Because it’s not weight gain in and of itself, it’s what you weight gain mean and what society makes weight gain mean as well.

Yeah, what were some of the things that you started to do with that?

Speaker 2 (37:27.234)
for my fear of weight gain. First of all, I got to a stage, your body changes and I’ve had a baby now and my body’s changed again and I’m so glad I’ve done this work now because if I hadn’t, it would be a whole nother thing but I’m completely at peace with it. What started for me was first of all, I’d had enough. I got to a point where I was like, fuck this, I’m gonna get fat and I’m not like whatever fat means, I’m gonna go into that because it’s just a descriptor. There’s nothing wrong with being fat.

body changing.

Speaker 2 (37:56.302)
although society says different, I got to the stage where I’d literally had enough 20 years of being petrified, not just afraid, petrified of weight gain. And I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was ruining my life. It was affecting my relationship with food, obviously. It was affecting my relationship with intimacy, with people, with what I wore, with my confidence. And I was just so ready to just let that go. I had no idea how I was gonna do this. I had no idea how.

So anyone listening who has a fear of weight gain, you don’t need to know how because I had no clue, but I knew I wanted to let that fear go. And then I started looking at people on Instagram and stuff. I know you never know because it’s Instagram, but I started looking at people face value who were in a bigger body than me, but similar shape like I’m with the whole shapes of people’s bodies. I guess I’m like a pair, more of a pair shaped. I would look at those type of women and bigger than me.

that looked like they were happy and positive and confident and didn’t give a fuck. And I’ll be like, she’s so inspiring to me. So I started off finding evidence in other people to give my brain evidence like, well, she seems really happy. She’s got a boyfriend and might be having amazing sex. I don’t know. She’s eating what she wants. She’s wearing shorts and she’s got loads of cellulite. So I started creating a bit of space, like what if they were another way to live? Cause I literally thought you were born.

So you need to spend your entire life staying thin or getting thin, full stop. That’s literally what I was taught the point in life was. I didn’t want that anymore. So it started off with me being done with where I was. I think that’s quite key. You need to be done with the bullshit you’re living in in order to create change. So I started there. And then I, like I said to you, like I would look at people my size or bigger and be like, right, okay, I’m gonna get quote unquote fat.

I’m just gonna get fat, I’m just gonna just go with it and I don’t know how I’m gonna work through it but I’m just done with being how I am right now. So I would like prep myself and prep my brain that I was gonna gain all this weight and I didn’t know how much weight I would gain. I knew I would gain because I was restricting and I did gain weight. I gained in terms of English, like three stone, from my like, anorexia was a whole other story. That was like when I was a teenager but in terms of the bulimia, it was about three stone that I gained but I didn’t know how much I was gonna gain.

Speaker 2 (40:23.576)
So I prepped myself to be in a bigger body and I just practice being okay with the thought of that. I wasn’t okay with the thought of that, but I prepped myself. almost like brainwashed myself in a positive way, the way I’d been brainwashed my whole life in a negative way. That fat isn’t bad, it’s just a descriptor. You can be sexy because confidence is sexy, not a body size. And also I used to write little journal prompts like I’ve gained weight and what else have I gained?

Food, fucking freedom. I’m no longer like obsessed if I’ve gone for a poo in the morning or not and it ruins my entire day. I’ve gained like not giving a shit what people think of me. I had to work on all of that. It didn’t just come because I decided I was okay with weight gain. And then for me, I faced my fear of weight gain by actually gaining weight, not on purpose, but that’s what my body did in recovery and understanding and seeing that I didn’t actually die and nothing actually bad happened.

It actually wasn’t different. It was actually better. And then a bit of evidence is all your brain needs to actually make the fear less and less and less. And then the more weight I gained, my life didn’t change. It just got better. I mean, I had feelings about it. I had to work through it. What I meant, my weight gain meant I had more freedom. And so you’re like, my biggest fear has come true. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. wasn’t.

It didn’t jump from that to that. I had to work through the stuff in the middle, but you get to see, like you said with that quote, fear is like an inch deep. It’s not going to swallow you up. It would if you keep running away from it. Well, have you had enough yet?

Enough thought,

Speaker 2 (42:08.398)
of running away from fear. I say to people when they come to me, I’ve done this, I’ve done that, I’m like, well, have you had enough yet? Are you ready to, and they’re kind of like, yes, I’ve had enough, right, let’s get to work. Then you’re ready to face your fears, it’s not gonna be easy. Do it.

Yeah, you can do it. And do you ever get some clients that like sort of kind of like the concept of like all talk but sort of no action. So they’re like, they’re still completely avoiding it. But they’re talking about it. Sort of almost like that valid, that sort of like student to teacher validation of like, yeah, I’ve done this, I’ve done all of these things.

all the time.

Speaker 1 (42:49.944)
But then if you keep reminding them of like the actual root cause, they’re in complete avoidance. And how do you get them to like go straight through it?

Well, I have a knack at getting to know the person, getting to know their values, because it’s important, whatever the person values in life, I use their values against them in quotes to support their recovery. Let’s say someone’s value is justice. This is one of my clients the other day. So her justice meant like standing up for what was right, et cetera, et cetera. So I said, okay, I’ve got a quote for you. Every time you restrict or every time you allow your

brain to go in a cycle of body hate thoughts, you’re contributing to your own oppression and the oppression of all women all around the world by buying into the bullshit of diet culture. And she was like, what the fuck? And I was like, exactly. So write this down. I am no longer willing to contribute to my own oppression. Anything to do with diet culture is contributing to her own oppression. her value of justice, which she valued so strongly,

supported her or is supporting her to get out of her like stuck in the route of the restrict binge cycle. So what did you ask me? I’ve gone on a tangent. What question did you ask me? So I can continue answering it.

Wait.

Speaker 1 (44:07.286)
it. And it’s sort of how and you are answering it beautifully, like how if they’re like saying that they’re doing all of these things that are great, but they’re sort of like the surface level, the comfortable stuff, because they’re scared to go sort of straight through into the uncomfortable pain, but the things that’s actually going to truly

that’s it. Yeah, great.

Well, you know about the value that sort of set a belief of the values and real.

The values are very core to the person. Our values change over time though as we evolve and change, but we can only work with the values we have right now until we keep evolving and then we work with those values, et cetera. You can talk about stuff all you want, but you have to make the action because a lot of what a lot of people do is they, and I’ll answer the second part of your question in the minute of the surface level action. But in terms of general action, you can talk about it all you want, but you will not.

feel ready to take the action. People wait to feel ready before they do something. They’ll be waiting forever. When you take the action, your feelings then change. Your feelings do not change before the action. So you have to be uncomfortable. You have to face the fear. You have to take action to change anything. Even so many people come to me and they could write 10 books about eating disorder recovery. Yet they’re stuck.

Speaker 2 (45:32.29)
because they’re unwilling to be uncomfortable and they’re unwilling to take the actions. Those people who are unwilling to go deep don’t work with me because we have a consultation and I confront them with the truth in a loving way. Like we will be having to dive into the stuff that’s underneath because you’re banging on about your fear of weight gain, which of course that’s what you have, but it’s actually not the fear of weight gain. It’s deeper stuff, which is what we’ll work on. So if you’re…

Eating well, and when I say eating well, eating unrestrictedly, nourishing yourself, and let’s say you’re not gaining weight, your body is naturally at its set point weight, and then you’re happy because you like the way your body looks, and then you like give yourself a 10 out of 10 with body acceptance. I would argue that, okay, surface level, you like the way you look, but that’s conditional. What happens if you wake up in 10 years time after having a baby and like your body, can’t recognise it anymore?

Is it gonna be a 10 out of 10 in body acceptance then? No. Well, let’s work on it so it will be because we need to keep diving deeper. with me, I never work with anyone who only does surface level stuff because if they do, it only changes temporarily. It’s like I had a client the other day, we was talking about the steps she was doing. So she would do like 30,000 steps a day. So the goal is to obviously remove the Fitbit, move intuitively, heal the eating disorder, et cetera.

So she started coming at me with like, okay, what if I like reduce it by like a thousand steps a week? And I said, listen, I’m never gonna tell you what to do as your coach, but I’m gonna ask you why all the steps in the first place. It’s not just the behavior because when like counting calories, when calories no longer matter, the calorie counting just dissolves. So instead of focusing on, right, let’s only count half a day calories or let’s like do a trick to stop you from counting calories in your head.

No, let’s go deeper. Why do counting calories even matter to you? Let’s go there because then the behaviour just goes by itself.

Speaker 1 (47:35.149)
Yeah.

Did that answer your question?

think so. Yeah. So I think really, it’s just about really trying to look at what they’re doing. That’s the surface level stuff, say, taking 1000 ones, 1000 steps off, and then saying, actually, why are counting them in the first place? Just really questioning what they think is sort of a pro. And still celebrating it. Like, yeah, it’s still pro, but can you tell me why?

Definitely.

And did you even enjoy your walk?

Speaker 2 (48:09.696)
Yeah. Enjoy your steps. Exactly. Enjoyment is everything. And pleasure is a big part of it. Pleasure to be alive, pleasure for sex, pleasure for food, pleasure for rest. Any behaviour that’s appeasing the eating disorder, even though it might seem like a a pro behaviour and like you said, it’s always key to celebrate wins.

Thank you.

Speaker 1 (48:22.284)
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (48:34.766)
However, I’m going to question it if it’s still like feeding into pun intended the eating disorder in some way, because I know I can see a mile off, even if it looks like a win, if it’s actually feeding into eating disorder in a long term, it’s not going to serve the client. And that’s why people sign with me because I’ve got a knack of giving so much genuine compassion and love. And I’m very direct and I give a lot of tough love because that’s true love to be fully honest and direct as well, I think.

I completely agree. Yeah. And you do have a beautiful loving aura. Yeah, I love that sort of cut through straight to the point, realization, because again, that’s the only way that people can truly grow. Because if not, they’re just like, yada yada yada, like all of these small wins. But like you said, it’s still feeding into that eating disorder.

If I, just to add to a little bit on there, if I truly want the best for someone, which I do always, whether they work with me or not, if someone’s working with me and I want the best for them and I love them, I’m not allowing them to stay in their comfort victim mode by saying what they want me to say. I’m gonna be fully honest and say what they might not want me to say, but that’s loving them better, allowing them to stay stuck.

Yeah.

and appeasing it and making them be like, yeah, like I’m happy in my little comfort zone. I’m like, no, you’ve invested a shit tonne money in yourself. Let’s do this thing. So in six months time, you walk away never needing coaching again around this topic. mean, coaching I’d have for the rest of my life because I just love coaching. have a coach now. I always will with other stuff just to be a mirror and reflecting and stuff like that. But the goal is to fully recover. And if I love you enough, am on I am

Speaker 2 (50:28.206)
unable to allow you to stay stuck in your stories.

love that. And regarding stories, and I am going off in a bit of a tangent here. So like,

I’m the Tangent Queen, so bring it on.

Love it. Let’s say Cindy has progressed significantly and they’ve gained weight in a really beautiful, healthy way and they’re feeling awesome. And then they go clothes shopping for themselves. Yeah. Yeah. How do you think some of your clients have ever, well, I don’t think we should say have ever, but how do you think they could like reframe being triggered by clothing sizes?

If that’s not something that they’ve thought about, about weight gain, they might have just been visualising their body getting bigger, but not really visualised that number of plays.

Speaker 2 (51:27.086)
And with changing rooms, mean, I’m thinking of any changing room you go in really, what do they do with the lighting to show up every single piece of cellulite, every stretch mark? It’s like they don’t want to sell clothes or something, you know?

Have you ever been in a Lululemon?

No, but I actually talked to my husband today, I’m gonna buy some of those leggings.

their mirrors, I don’t know how they do it. So they have like a front one and then two side ones, but they make your legs look huge. Like you think like you’ve like gained like five pounds of like muscle and like each side of your leg, you’re like, whoa, look at my legs, they look sick. So I think as well, even though that is obviously something to do the lights and the angles of the mirrors, they’re obviously promoting that sort of pro muscular legs. Yeah.

Interesting.

Speaker 1 (52:20.002)
Yes, well, I do think it is really fascinating. So if you go somewhere like that, or go to somewhere, just like another high street retailer.

without dropping any names.

The experience is completely different. Yes, it is. Yeah, it is.

with numbers then so here’s the thing about clothes as well I have clothes ranging from a size 8 to a size 16 literally

That’s wild.

Speaker 2 (52:50.766)
Depending on the make, the style, the size, the shop, this is worth saying because everything is so different. I mean, the goal is to let go of attaching yourself to numbers, period. But even if you’re attached to numbers, it makes no sense to be attached because everything is different. Literally, there’s the sizing. So…

Yeah.

When again, when you get to the root cause, when you if you’re bothered about the clothing size, like let’s say you were a size 10 and now you’re a 14 and you’re like, oh fuck, I can’t I refuse to buy a size 14 pair of jeans. Well, what are you making that number mean about you? Because when we heal the meaning of what we’re creating about the size of the number, the number doesn’t matter. So it’s not a case of like.

Yes, in the moment you can be kind and compassionate always to yourself and be like, it doesn’t matter that it’s a size 14, you know, I’ve been on a healing journey and et cetera, et cetera, which is key. But again, that surface level compassion, compassion is always a win anyway. But I would be asking the question to myself, sweetheart, why does the number even matter to you anymore? Why does that matter?

and really get to the root of what that means. And it’s always usually linked to fear, like the fear of weight gain, fear of judgment from others. And then when we’ve healed that, the number is just like, I don’t even look at, I mean, obviously if I’m shopping, I have to choose a size, but I shop online, so I can’t be asked to go to the shop and I prefer just to have everything delivered than send everything back that doesn’t fit. I order, cause I’m in the Netherlands now, so it’s different sizes, an S and and an L in every single thing, because I have no idea.

Speaker 2 (54:32.344)
This dress here is a size eight UK. The other dress downstairs is like a size 14 UK. So, I mean, what do wanna do? when the number doesn’t matter and you have to go deeper, but in the moment in the changing room, when you’re literally stood there and it’s like, holy shit, this is too small, I a bigger size. Self-compassion always. And ask yourself, do I want to care about this? Do I actually want to be…

No.

putting my attention and energy into this number, why am I allowing a number to dictate how I feel and my happiness and my worth? Like I’m just, really? Fuck that. No, I’m done.

Yeah, so feel like I almost like fight your emotions a little bit to just be like, hell no, we’re stopping now. Yeah.

except that kind of energy like fuck no if i was to connect to my higher self my best version of me fucking queen would she actually give a shit about what’s that she would just own that shit into that

Speaker 1 (55:29.026)
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (55:35.052)
Yeah, absolutely. I love it. The thing is though, absolutely, I think it is just confidence or whatever, but when you see women just like owning it, especially, especially when they are maybe a size 18, a size 20, whatever. Not to be so specific, but when you see them looking like a literal goddess from like South East Asia, got all of these like, I don’t know, jingly things on.

Vibe.

sick and it’s like well you can yes you literally can it’s energy yeah literally and they believe in themselves they know that they’re sexy and they’re not necessarily thinking you know is my cellulite is my roles it’s my this and my aunt do you know they’re not thinking no if they are yeah they’re not their actions are still healing them because they’re still going out

That’s a good idea.

Speaker 1 (56:34.126)
and wearing something that might be a little bit extra. Yes.

They’re acting or probably not even acting because they are that they’re acting like they love who they are and accept who they are. And that’s attractive to anybody, regardless of someone having a judgment about their body size. A judgment is different, just like, I prefer the color blue over the color pink. That’s just a judgment. But when someone feels the vibe of a person who loves and accepts themselves, that’s what we’re aiming for because

when you love and accept yourself fully and show up in the world in that energy, you’re giving others permission to do the same. And it doesn’t mean we go around loving every aspect of who we are and what we look like. And it’s in no way, I am better than it’s like, this is who I am. This is my flaws. And I’m going to own the shit out of that. Cause otherwise it’s going to own me and I’m done being a prisoner to myself. choose freedom.

So how would a free person act? Act that way, be an inspiration to yourself and others. And then before you know it, you’re not acting anymore, you’re living it. And you’re like, turns out I can wear shorts and have cellulite and not die and nothing bad happens.

Yeah, exactly. One of my questions actually was going to say, could you paint us a picture of somebody’s daily experience of somebody who has, who is super paranoid about their appearance, has like self-worth, that kind of vibes. And then can you paint us a picture of somebody who has very high self-worth, feeds themselves to whatever they want, feel completely free, very expanded and the difference in that and kind of.

Speaker 1 (58:23.926)
what do you reckon they’ll be saying to each other?

this is a great question. Scenario number one. The old me. I always speak from experience. It’s hot. God, it’s a sunny day. God, that means the sun’s going to show every cellulite that I have. God, that means I’m going to have to wonder what to wear because I don’t want to show my legs off. my God, I’m going to be so hot. My legs are going to chaff and I can’t show my arms because they’re really big. And God, we’ve gone to a barbecue later and what am going to eat? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

goes to the barbecue really hot, covering myself up, uncomfortable, wondering how many calories are in the food, wondering what I look like, wondering what he or she thinks about me, wondering if I should diet and lose weight knowing that I should, planning that in my head, not being present, et cetera. Not being present in conversations, worrying about myself, et cetera. Version of me now, yeah, what a beautiful day, the sun’s shining, it’s gonna be hot today.

I’ll wear my chub rub shorts so my legs don’t chaff so I can take care of myself. I’m gonna wear this nice flowy dress so I can let some like cool air around. we’re going to a barbecue later. that’s cool. I wonder what kind of food they’re gonna have. I’m really excited about that. I wonder what we should take with us. I wonder if I can ask so-and-so about her new job. Like being present in the conversation, excited about food and enjoying food, and a lot more relaxed and at peace.

and how they would speak to each other. So how I would, my future self, well, this self would talk to my past self. If this is what you meant, I’m not sure. that what you meant?

Speaker 1 (01:00:05.614)
So you’re in the same scenario, you’re at the same barbecue.

Yes, I would say, sweetheart, I know you don’t believe me right now, but everything what is going on inside of you is complete bullshit. It’s all conditioning. It’s all false stories you’re telling yourself. You’re keeping yourself in your own prison and you literally have the key to unlock your own chains.

And it all starts with you choosing that you’ve had enough of living that way. Because look at how I’m living. Like I’m genuinely present with our friends. I’m genuinely enjoying this one and excited, not dreading it because I don’t know what I’m going to wear. I don’t give a shit if I’ve got cellulite because I’ve got a woman’s, a natural woman’s body. And also I’m getting older. And also I’ve just had a baby. And also guess what? I’ve not got abs anymore and don’t care. And it’s free. And that’s just a better way to live.

It all starts with a choice, my love. So what do you choose? Because you deserve better than this.

And what do you think she would say?

Speaker 2 (01:01:12.032)
Show me how.

That’s good. That should still be curious and be like, how? Yeah.

guided and she would need evidence that it is possible, which I would be the evidence to her. But she would need to be done with where she’s at. I can’t reiterate that enough. There’s a book that I took a picture of in a bookshop and it goes something like, I wish I had my phone next to me to show you the picture. Change only happens. This is I’m paraphrasing here. Change only happens when someone gets tired of their own bullshit.

Yeah, I completely agree as well.

You have to be done, else you’ll keep running back to your security. And again, another quote, and I need to get better at remembering where these quotes are from. They’re just in my head. Are you willing to give up your familiar hell for the unfamiliar heaven?

Speaker 1 (01:02:06.536)
that’s lovely. I love that. Yeah. I really like that. That’s beautiful. Beautiful. Okay. Well, that was yeah, I love that. That’s incredible.

Beautiful, right?

Speaker 2 (01:02:20.751)
Choice, always everything is a choice.

Yeah. And do you think, because I’ve been on some like personal development groups and they say, I don’t want you to have to have this big bang in order for you to start taking actions for you to change. I don’t want you to have to go to the depths of pain. to say, yes, I’m going to change. Have you had those sort of clients and do you think

No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 (01:02:50.162)
success rates is the same do you think they’re still in it enough or yeah

Yeah, I mean, Ed Mylett, I do remember this, where this quote come from. Ed Mylett says, it’s really hard to give up the good for the great. It’s really easy to give up the bad for the great. Right? It’s actually easier to move away from significant emotional or physical pain than be in settling it’s okay mode and then swap that for the great.

Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:03:20.876)
So I absolutely do not recommend people wait to get to rock bottom before they get where they want to be. So I ask people to ponder these two questions are the same question and they’re asked in a different way. So the first question is, is this bad enough to change? The second question is, is this good enough to stay?

Bye.

Speaker 1 (01:03:41.774)
I love the second one. Yes.

Most people will operate from, this bad enough to change? Because they tolerate, they’re to suffering, it’s their comfort zone. But if you allow yourself to just feel into how it would feel to go from the energy of, is this good enough to stay? Fuck no, it’s not good enough to stay. So it’s the same question, but it’s said from a completely different place. So it is harder to go from good to great.

Even though it seems ironic because when someone in the depth of hell, that’s really hard, but it’s easier to move out of that place. So I ask people who don’t think they’re in the depth of hell to say, okay, if you had a magic wand and you could change anything about your life, what would it be? They tell me this beautiful vision of the life they would want. And I’ll say, you can have that. And the only person stopping you from having that is you. So allow them to feel into the vision of what they want. And they don’t have to have any reason to go for it.

purely the reason that they want to and they desire it and that is enough.

love that yeah that’s beautiful because i think sometimes i i do that a lot where i have to think of all of these reasons why why am i why do i want it it’s like just because i want it isn’t good enough after that

Speaker 2 (01:05:02.808)
Full stop because I want it, full stop, that’s my reason. That is the only reason you need. You can come up with all the other reasons. You can justify it, but it’s simply enough just because you want it. End of story.

gorgeous love that and do you know when was on about the past self your current self and you did mention your future self i’m just a little bit curious if you have a future self in mind go for it tell me

I do, always.

Always, so my future self is obviously a mother. Now I’ve stepped into new motherhood. She’s even more present. She has even more fierce boundaries, because I’m still working through a little bit of people pleasing, not gonna lie. It’s getting a lot better. I’m a recovering people pleaser.

Yeah, and I feel like with like potential pressures from other mums and stuff, I don’t know if obviously, I don’t know. But like, I don’t know if it’s just like what society’s said. But I don’t know if the like mum pressure is like a real thing. But we see.

Speaker 2 (01:06:05.89)
It is, but I don’t surround myself in those types of circles. And also I’m really good now at just not really listening to anyone else. I listen to myself. For me, my future self is even more present and not thinking about a business all the time. Cause I’m in my head a lot with my business. Cause I care so much and I want to help more people. But sometimes I notice that when I’m with my daughter, I’m not fully present cause I’m thinking about my call or…

some client questions or something. So I would work on being one thing at a time, like with my full presence. My future self is even more ruthless with who she has in her energy. So not people pleasing to kind of friends who I’m not really that bothered about, but I don’t wanna be mean to, I just wanna be nice. I’ve not got time for that anymore. Like when you have a baby, if you ever do in the future, trust me, your time like halves, it’s just weird. I can’t explain it.

even more ruthless and I’m leaning into setting even more boundaries and like, I’m not having that in my energy anymore. So I’m actually gonna have to let that go. And that’s hard because I wanna be nice and that person values having me in their life but I’ve not got priority for that anymore. So she’s more fierce, more boundary setting, more present. And I guess even more surrendered around when my baby’s asleep. my God, if she’s asleep at now, she won’t sleep tonight and that means I won’t sleep. Surrender.

Yeah.

So she’s more surrendered, more present, more boundary setting and more fierce.

Speaker 2 (01:07:43.758)
Process is what came to me when you said that. So trust the process, lean into discomfort and take steps.

baby steps as your baby goes into a toddler. you go. Awesome. So, was going to say, what is two things? What’s the most powerful question you’ve ever asked yourself or one of your clients? And do you have like a quote, like a number one quote or like a life mantra?

that sort of wholeheartedly represents who you are.

okay, let me go with a quote first. I love my quotes. What one am I gonna choose?

Speaker 2 (01:08:36.448)
Okay, this is one of Brené Brown’s.

Awesome, her.

Why are we hustling for our worthiness when all we have to do is claim it?

Yeah, fun.

And that can be obviously put into everything because the depth of the foundation of everything is worthiness. We’re hustling so hard for it. We need to be thin for it. We need to be rich for it. We need to be good enough for it. Just fucking claim it. It’s already yours to claim. Done. So that’s the quote. Most powerful question I’ve ever asked myself or a client. I’m going to go with asking myself. That’s where it started. I think I’ve asked it to you in context of me talking. It’s not

Speaker 1 (01:09:05.112)
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:09:19.286)
really a powerful, it is, I’m gonna say it, because when it’s delivered in a certain way, when someone’s in that mindset, including the past me, it creates space for change and that is, have you had enough yet? And then for me, that just brings a feeling of, I’ve had fucking enough and like, and it just opens up so much for me, like striving and fighting and striving and fighting and have you had enough? Yes. And then it’s like,

It’s almost like a breath out, like, I don’t have to do that anymore. I’ve had enough. get to choose to do something different. So I guess the question would be, have you had enough yet? Then you get to choose. Always you get to choose. People who say I can’t, I replace it with, you won’t. You can, you’re choosing not to. And let me show you how you can choose to do so. You have power, always.

Nice.

Speaker 1 (01:10:11.818)
Yeah. And I think it’s so beautiful that you’ve got like almost like a collection of clients that I’m sure would potentially reach out given the right circumstance and just be like, it is possible, you know?

that is so possible. If you have a vision of what you want for your life, this is everybody. If you have even a slight vision of wanting something different than what you have now, you’re remembering the future. It’s already done on a different timeline. So you just get to create, well, step into what’s already happened. If you don’t have a vision, like I don’t have a vision to be an astronaut, because I don’t want to be, so I can’t be. But if I have a vision of being X, Y, Z, it’s already done, it’s already mine.

I just have to be the person that is already there and act accordingly and work through the shit that comes up when I’m acting accordingly. Simple.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, love that. And going back to your quote, it reminds me of the Frieda quote, is, you don’t sometimes, I can’t quite remember it, but you don’t have to do anything to be loved.

I love that one too, that’s so true. Just be alive, that’s enough.

Speaker 1 (01:11:23.118)
Just be…

Yeah, it actually is though. That’s the thing. Fantastic. So what’s something you do to welcome your clients to face things they haven’t thought that they needed to? We already sort of touched on that. But basically, if somebody wanted to work with you, do you want to discuss the difference between the program and the group coaching and

between that and the one on one coaching? And is there an essence of community within the group coaching?

Yes. So let me put my tea down again. And if it’s okay, final question, because I’ve got to swap with my husband for my baby girl now, which is a great question to finish on. So anyone who resonated with me and wants to know more, I have a free support group completely free, where people can come in, ask me direct questions about anything, body image, self-love, food, freedom, stuff like that. We also have hot seat coaching every month. So

They get to watch the replays of all the past coaching for free. And then they also get chance to be coached for free. And this next step up from that is the paid group coaching, which is a, well, you can stay as long as you like. So there’s a monthly payment option, but ideally you stay in for six months or a year. We have two coaching calls a month. They have access to all of my online programs. The most valuable one is the Body Love Binge. It takes about four months to go through. There’s deep healing work in there, lot of inner child stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:13:01.762)
a lot of journaling, audios from me, videos from me, books to read. So deep dive into healing, but you have to be motivated to go through it yourself and like go through the modules yourself. Feedback to me in the group. I’m always open to feedback and support. Also there’s direct questions that I answer. Every week I’m in the group. So if you have a question you need support or coaching, then I’m always there personally answering your questions.

The price of that is, I think on my website, it’s 90 euros a month, or it’s 997 for a year to join the group. I’m one-to-one coaching, and I’ve got a wait list at the minute, which I’m so blessed to be able to say that. Some space is coming up, I don’t know when this is gonna be released, but there’s some spaces coming up, what are we on now? End of March towards the middle of April. And I work with clients for either three months or for six months.

Depending on what kind of eating disorder they’re in, what they need help with, I recommend whether they only need three months or whether they need six months. The six month option comes with 24 seven WhatsApp support. So I’m in your pocket, metaphorically speaking for six months, coaching you through anything. And with both one to one, you get access to a year of my group and my programmes and the community in there as well. Cause it’s really important to have community. Not everyone who has one to one wants community and that’s fine.

But those who haven’t wanted it and who have been in it are like so grateful they did because they’re surrounded by women all around the world who get it, are in different parts of their healing journey, who it’s not just me saying like, this is what works, I’ve done this. All the women are saying, hey, I was in your position too. This is what I did. And people feel really seen and understood and people get it and they feel seen and heard as well.

Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:14:51.116)
Yeah, I think the most healing thing is hearing your thoughts that you haven’t really been able to internalize or speak coming from from another person’s mouth. Yeah.

It makes you feel so seen and understood and like it’s possible for you because it’s been possible for them. And it is possible. So communities are a really key aspect of recovery, especially as women. are, there are actually, there’s a few men in there and they’re very, very respectful, but it’s primarily women who were in their healing. So reach out to me if you have any questions about how you can work for me. I have my own podcast, the Body Love Binge podcast.

I think it’s great. And yeah, I’ll pop all of your links in the description and everything like that. So enjoy your afternoon with your daughter. Thank you again. And it’s been absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much for all of your energy and your insights. You’re welcome. I’m really, really happy that we did this today.

Me too, you’re welcome Tegan, so share it with me when it comes out so I can share it with people as well.

Absolutely, for sure. Take care, bye!

Speaker 2 (01:15:54.766)
and much love.