“How can I deal with the embarrassment of facing loved ones, colleagues, etc, after a big weight gain from bingeing?”
Firstly I’d like to suggest that this Queen get support with binge eating because it can very difficult to overcome on your own. Most professionals don’t even know how to support someone properly to recover from binge eating. Yes this is my opinion but the amount of clients I’ve supported to full freedom who had been through therapy and had previous coaching and they were still struggling is mind-blowing. What I do actually works to fully heal your relationship with food and your body, there is no “call a friend or go on a walk to distract yourself from bingeing” that shit doesn’t work.
I get it...
Facing loved ones, colleagues, and friends after significant weight gain can be very challenging, especially when it stems from binge eating because there is already a lot of shame around that behaviour.
This can be even more emotionally painful if you’ve always been known and praised for being the “skinny one” or the “fit and healthy one. I understand exactly how this feels as I was known as the “super fit and lean one” which automatically equated to most people assuming I was also extremely healthy. This was far from the truth as even though I exercised a lot (too much) and had a lean physique, I was constantly starving myself and bingeing and purging, eating only low calories diet food or bucket loads of sugary foods such as chocolate, Nutella and ice cream.
When I embarked on my recovery journey, I gained weight (about 40lbs), lost my rock hard abs and defines arms and in my opinion became “fat”.
I had also moved abroad to live with my now husband Wouter so none of my family or friends had seen my weight gain. Facing them after gaining weight felt like one of the scariest things in the world. I was so afraid of what they’d think of me and my body and even though I know none of them would say anything unkind out loud, I knew they’d be thinking it, especially my family. After all, my entire life all I’d ever heard them do were judge people’s bodies.
So how DID I face my loved ones after gaining weight? Here’s what I did to support myself;
Self-compassion
I practised pouring a whole lotta compassion into myself. This wasn’t easy as the normal narrative in my head was based in self flagellation. The automatic thoughts would be;
- “You’ve let yourself go, look at how fat you are”
- “Everyone is going to cringe when they see you”
- “How could you let yourself get like this, it’s disgusting”
And so when those thoughts came to me, I chose to feel any emotions that were present and then reframe my thoughts to ones that served me and most importantly ones that I believed a 6 or more out of 10 on the believability scale. They looked like this;
- “You’ve not let yourself go, you’ve let yourself be free. You’ve freed yourself from the prison of the eating disorder and for that you should be very proud of yourself.”
- “What anyone else thinks about me is non of my business. They might think negative things about my body but I’ll never know and even if I did know, I can’t change what they’re thinking. I also can’t change my body unless I live with an eating disorder and I don’t want that. That was misery.”
- “Even though I don’t like the way my body looks, I can focus on what I like about myself. I am brave and courageous. I am kind, loving and funny. I’ve chosen to stop valuing looks and body sizes and value how I can make the world a better place though who I am.”
Accepting the facts & feeling emotions
I encouraged myself to face the cold hard truth… I had gained weight and my body looked completely different (in my eyes). Trying to find evidence via constant body checking hoping that I could convince myself that it wasn’t “that bad” wasn’t working. In fact it was making it worse.
Instead, I would say out loud in front of the mirror, “I have gained weight.” And then I’d be with whatever feelings came up from acknowledging that. Most of the time especially at the beginning of this work it was panic and shame that came up.
I had to learn how to support myself through these feelings as I had never truly allowed myself to feel any of my emotions before. I was overwhelmed by my emotions and would suppress them and disconnect from them. As a child I hadn’t been shown how to be with emotions and I was made wrong for having emotions. I was locked outside as a little girl whenever I’d cry. I was told off and punished for being angry. I was told I was too much when I was excited…
I learned that having emotions and expressing them was bad and wrong and I was a bad and wrong person at my core if I did that. So I learnt how to disassociate and suppress. The eating disorder made this easier for me to do.
And so being able to acknowledge and then feel my emotions was alien to me but I practiced non the less because I wanted freedom and self-love more than I wanted anything else in the world. I’d sit with the emotions and then feel them deeply. I’d cry and sway and fall on the fall broken. I’d get angry and scream into pillows. I’d ugly cry with a snotty nose and hysterical nosies. I’d allow it all. And then I’d wrap my own arms around myself and rock myself as I sat on the floor. I’d say to myself out loud, “It’s ok sweetheart. It’s ok. It’s ok.” Over and over again.
I feel the wave of emotions coming up now as I type this, remembering how that all felt. It was heartbreaking but I did it. Over and over again until the deep rooted shame alchemised into mild frustration. I’d feel that too.
And each time after I’d feel and express my emotions, I’d use my mindset to support me. I’d think things like;
- “I’ve gained weight and that’s ok”
- “I am working on believing that I can live a happy life without liking the way I look”
- “My body is my vessel that enables me to experience life. It is not my whole life”
- “Bodies change and that’s ok”
- “I’ve traded freedom for a lean body and freedom it’s worth it. Focus on what I’ve gained as well as weight.”
And then I’d act as if I fully believed all of those were true for me. The key is action.
I shared openly about my fears
I shared with my family and friends before I flew back to see them that I had gained weight and I was feeling really anxious about them seeing me. I also communicated my needs and asked them not to comment on my weight or my body because even if they were trying to be nice, it would be triggering to me.
I avoided making a joke out of my weight gain as I tended to use humour to cover up my anxiety and fear. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it wouldn’t be honouring my true feelings and it would avoid being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a big part of healing, especially if it’s met with love.
When I was with family and friends and I was having a “moment” and they noticed, I’d say, “I’m having a painful emotion come up about my body. I’m just feeling it and I’m ok.”
When we acknowledge and make room for our emotions and feel them, that’s healing. We don’t need to make them go away or ask the other person to distract us. We just need to feel and then let go. Letting go is key because sometimes we hold onto the emotions and keep ourselves thinking about them. If something triggered you such as your legs squishing when you sit down, don’t keep looking at them and judging them squishing… feel the emotions that come up first and then focus on something else.
You are where your attention is.
You get to decide what experience you have in each moment by where you choose to put your attention. If you’re out with your mum at a cafe, focus on her. Her eyes. How she makes you feel. The food. The atmosphere etc.
Whatever you look for you will find so make sure you look for something you want to experience.
If people DO make comments about your weight then be prepared. Decide in advance how you want to respond. You can choose to politely change the subject or set clear boundaries about discussing your weight. Start advocating of yourself and your needs.
I focused on feeling good IN my body
Instead of focusing on everything I hated about my body, I started focusing on what felt good IN my body. For example, I started noticing that it didn’t feel good for my body internally to skip meals and eat 1kg of chocolate instead. So I started to nourish my body with delicious meals AND ate whatever chocolate I wanted in between. It felt good to drink fresh water throughout the day, read before bed and get enough sleep. I started seeing my body as a very special person who needed taking care of in all the ways.
When I shifted my attention to self-care (with no restrictions) instead of my weight, I started to feel better IN my body. I didn’t necessarily feel better about how my body looked but because I wasn’t obsessing over that, it wasn’t as prominent. It’s easier to feel good about yourself in general when you feel good within, regardless of what your outside looks like.
Wearing clothes that felt good
This was a big one. In general and when facing loved ones after weight gain. I got rid of any clothes that either didn’t fit or didn’t feel nice. That was whole thing and brought up a lot of emotions but I worked through them and let them go. I mourned the loss of those clothes that looked amazing on my lean body.
We have to let go in order for us to grow and evolve. We can’t grow or evolve if we’ve holding onto something that is dragging us back or down.
Then I treated myself to some new clothes that fit me well AND that I liked. Granted, I didn’t like the way my body looked IN the clothes (to begin with) but it was important to like the clothes and for them to fit well. I started experimenting with fashion and jewellery and colours. I got myself a stylist as I didn’t know what I was doing.
Seeing myself making an effort for myself and my body helped how I felt about my body. My confidence grew in my new clothes. I chose never to wear jeans again since my weight gain because they just didn’t do it for me anymore. I let them go and leaned into dresses and skirts and high waisted trousers. I made an effort with make up and with my hair. It felt good and contributed to me feeling about myself.
There’s a difference of course between the above and not being able to leave the house without make up or wearing nice clothes. I still pushed myself to do these things to practice showing up in the world as the authentic raw me.
I practiced living life in the real body I had
Whilst I was spending time with love ones after weight gain AND day to day, I started going after the life I wanted in the real body I had. Not waiting until I’d lost weight or felt comfortable in my body. I started to truly live instead of putting my life on hold.
That looked like;
- Going to my favourite gym in England that I was too afraid to go back to because last time I’d been there I was fitness modelling and called “miss mini machine”
- Going out with friends and dressing up
- Going on holiday and wearing a bikini regardless
- Having sex without it needing to be pitch black or only before I’d eaten
- Wearing shorter dresses when it was hot
- Wearing shorts at the gym
- Wearing a crop trop even though I no longer had abs
- Walking from the bathroom to my bedroom naked even though I was scared what my partner would think of my body because usually I’d hide behind a towel
- Speaking up for myself and communicating my needs
- ETC
Life isn’t waiting for you, it’s happening NOW in the body you have right now. Why not allow yourself to actually fully live because if not now, when? Don’t regret not living now.
Reframing and choosing new stories in the moment
Do not underestimate the power of your mind. You get to rewire your brain so that it supports you, not hinders you. You do this by using your mind. Your mind and brain are 2 different things.
Whenever you become aware that you’re feeling anxious, uncomfortable or fearful, see this as a helpful warning sign that you need to change your thoughts.
By changing your thoughts, you can change your perception of reality. I call this creating a new story that serves you.
Here’s the thing… everything we tell ourselves is a story. Whether we believe that story or not is due to our previous experiences and “evidence” our brain has accumulate over time. If that story isn’t serving us we get to create a new story that does. We won’t believe it at first but that’s ok. The more we tell ourselves the new story and act as if its true (yes, even with the fear), the more evidence we’ll have by experiencing new experiences that support the new story becoming true. You still with me?
Let me give you a tangible example. My old story used to be;
“Now that I’ve gained weight I am unattractive and disgusting. I won’t be able to be happy in this bigger body it’s impossible. Why can’t I just be thin AND eat what I want? This sucks. I hate my body so much why can’t it just look what I want it to look? I can’t go out looking like this either, if anyone sees me eating anything other than a salad they’ll think that I shouldn’t be eating it and that I should lose weight. If people see me at the gym they’ll think I’ve let myself go. They’ll be shocked at the weight I’ve gained and will talk about me behind my back”… on and on my stories used to go.
I’d also act as if that story were true. No wonder I felt shit.
This was my new story that has now became my truth;
“I’ve gained weight but I’ve also gained so much more. I’ve gained freedom from restriction, being able to eat with friends and family and enjoy whatever it is I fancy eating. I’ve gained freedom from obsessing over everything I eat or have eaten. Even though I don’t like the way my body looks, that’s actually ok! If I make it not ok then I’ll only suffer as I’ll be fighting reality. Why would I choose to suffer? And I can’t control my body unless I live with an eating disorder for the rest of my life and… fuck that shit! Everything will be ok if I’m ok with everything. I chose to let go of the attachment to a certain body size. I choose to live my life regardless of whether I like the way my body looks or not. People might judge me because I’ve gained weight and that’s ok too because this is about them not about me. Even if they do say something the worst thing that will happen is I’ll feel a feeling. I can handle that. It will give me a chance to focus on self-compassion.” Etc.
Can you FEEl the difference between the 2? If you acted as if you believed this story instead of the original one, how do you think your life and your perception of life would change?
YOU have the power to change your thoughts and your life.
I worked on overcoming my fear of weight gain
Alongside everything I’ve shared with you here, I worked on the deeper rooted fears of weight gain and what that meant to me. This is crucial too as the only way to fully heal from an eating disorder and to live in freedom and self-love is to take a holistic approach to recovery. Hence I created my REAL Recovery Roadmap which does exactly this. If you’d like to learn more about this then check out my free masterclass here.
In Summary
- Seek Professional Support: Overcoming binge eating is challenging alone, so seeking specialised support is essential.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Replace negative self-talk with supportive thoughts, such as acknowledging the freedom from the eating disorder and focusing on positive personal qualities beyond physical appearance.
- Accept and Feel Emotions: Acknowledge the weight gain without denial. Allow yourself to feel and process emotions without suppression, embracing vulnerability and authenticity.
- Communicate with Loved Ones: Share your feelings about the weight gain with family and friends. Set boundaries by asking them not to comment on your weight or body.
- Focus on Self-Care: Prioritise nourishing your body, maintaining hydration, getting enough sleep, and wearing clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident.
- Reframe Negative Thoughts: Replace detrimental thoughts with empowering ones. Embrace the current body you have and live fully without waiting until you’ve lost weight.
- Live in your Present Body: Engage in activities and experiences regardless of body size, from going to the gym to wearing clothes you enjoy.
- Redefine Your Story: Change the narrative you tell yourself about weight gain. Focus on the freedom and benefits gained rather than just the physical changes.
- Address Deeper Fears: Work on underlying fears related to weight gain through a holistic approach to recovery.
If you’d like me to support you on your journey to self acceptance, explore 1:1 or group coaching. ♥️
