Victoria Kleinsman (00:00.693)
All right, lovelies, let me just check that my, no, usually my phone likes to try and take my audio. It’s not doing it today, happy days. So welcome, my love, because this will be a podcast episode at some point in the future. I have no idea when, but welcome to my queens of my lovely group. I’ve got quite a few questions, also from a few emails that I had. So I’m gonna add them in and I’m not gonna say the names, because I can’t remember who said the

are okay for me to say the name and who didn’t. So I’m just gonna answer all the questions because I’ve just like copied and pasted them all in one go, but I didn’t actually know who asked them all. So apologies for not addressing you directly. So let’s dive in, shall we? Okay, the first question. I have suffered from anorexia and emote, my goodness, how do I say this? Emitophobia for many years, but the last month I’ve…

really been kicking Edie’s ass. Yay, good for you. However, I’m finding my digestion really bad, especially with certain foods which happen to be fear foods, but it makes it very difficult to eat anything for the rest of the day. Do I need to continue forcing this and struggle to eat anything in the afternoon? Right, well, let me just check what that word means. God live Google.

Intense and irrational fear of vomiting. Okay, yes, I get it. Thank you for your patience with me understanding what that word was. Now, every day’s a school day, you learn something new every day, right? So, suffered from anorexia and fear of vomiting for many years. Last month, you’ve worked really hard to kick the EDs ass. I am so proud of you. Keep doing that. And it just shows that you have evidence, lived evidential experience that you can kick the EDs ass. So keep doing that.

With your digestion, you’re finding it really bad, especially with your fear foods. The thing is, you asked if it’s worth forcing this. Forcing is a funny word because I like to take full responsibility and standing my power and choose what I want for me. Now, I understand why you use this word because obviously what I’m hearing you say is, do you hold back and not eat your fear foods so your digestion and tummy feels better and therefore you’re able to eat more in the afternoon?

Victoria Kleinsman (02:21.634)
which would make logical sense. Or do you keep pushing through, choosing to eat the fair foods, even with the digestive discomfort, but perhaps finding it really difficult to eat anything in the afternoon. I would advise you pushing through, lovely, because here’s the thing with digestive issues and certain foods, especially your fair foods, digestive issues come, like 99.9 % of the time comes from a nervous system response to stress.

So it’s no surprise to me that the fear food that you’re eating is causing this extreme discomfort because your body is seeing that food as a threat, whether consciously or unconsciously. So persevere, eat the fear foods, keep pushing through.

Allow the discomfort that comes even though it’s really not nice, especially physical discomfort, at least emotional discomfort, you can keep growing and learning and growing and learning through that emotional discomfort till you can just tolerate, embrace and accept and then even love all emotions, regardless of whether you deem them as good or bad. But the physical stuff’s really hard, especially if it’s pain. So remove the word force to just keep persevering, keep tolerating. And when you say you’re struggling to eat in the afternoon,

you can still eat even though it’s a struggle. So keep doing it, keep facing the discomfort, keep being kind to yourself, wear loose clothing, stay close to the toilet, whatever you need to do, and also eat in the afternoon. Because I promise this will pass. It won’t pass if you try and avoid all this physical discomfort, which makes sense why you would do that and avoiding the pain, and then avoid the fear foods.

in order to eat more in the afternoon, you’ll still kind of stay stuck in that loop. So keep going. I’m very proud of you. Okay, the next question. Let me just delete that one. So I’m not very organised in terms of my presentation for myself with my questions today, but there we go. We’ve got all the questions. So they’re gonna get answered either way. Okay, next question. There are a few foods I still haven’t had in recovery, partially from fear. Tonight, I genuinely don’t fancy one.

Victoria Kleinsman (04:32.851)
How do I know if it’s a real don’t want it or a lingering fear disguised as disinterested? Great question. So what you’re saying is there’s a few foods you’ve not had in recovery, mainly due to fear. Tonight though, well, when you wrote this, asked this question, a fear food, you genuinely didn’t fancy it. That’s what you’re saying. Then you’re asking, how do you know if it’s a genuine just not fancying it or a don’t want it because of an unconscious fear?

There’s only one way to find out, eat it anyway, because when food just becomes food, it’s no big deal. So let’s say you need a wee and you go to the toilet and then half an hour later, you don’t need a wee, but if I said to you, can you just say like, let’s say you had to give a wee sample or something, not for me, by the way, and you had to go for a wee and you didn’t actually need one, you could still probably wee and it’s just no big deal. You didn’t even think about it. You just given a wee sample, right? So food gets to be that neutral. So,

have it anyway, because if you’re afraid of anything, the only way to overcome the fear is by facing it multiple times with consistency over and over again. So have it anyway, even if you feel like you don’t fancy it, and just see what happens and you’ll get to know a lot about whether it’s an unconscious fear and disguised as disinterest, or whether it’s a genuinely don’t fancy it, had it, nothing’s wrong with it, but I just really didn’t want it, then you’ll know for next time.

Okay, the next one, that’s still on my email actually. Why didn’t I copy and paste this one? The next one is, hold on. How to start eating at work again. So this person’s really struggling to hold themselves accountable at work. She finds it easier to do it for someone else. I know it’s a she, because I can see the name on this one.

She finds it easy to eat for someone else. She’s found it easier to sit with someone but fearful of asking for that support again.

Victoria Kleinsman (06:35.653)
and she’s tried in the past meal support when under ED clinic and safe foods. So with this, how to start eating at work again, ask, be uncomfortable, be vulnerable, ask for the support you need. So maybe just asking someone to hold you accountable or to sit with you. I know it might feel really scary and you might have a loads of different stories of why that’s not okay for you to do. Do that because any support you can get.

Why wouldn’t you get support if you can? Any support you can get the better, right? So get as much support as you can, even though you’re afraid to ask for it again. What are you afraid of if you were to ask for help?

So start digging there. What are you actually afraid of if you were asking for help? So ask for help. Obviously when you’ve got to the root of the fear and again, to face the fear, you just have to do it again anyway. And then other thing I will say in here, I did do a podcast episode. If you go and search on my website, there’s a search bar in the podcast section. It’s really handy. And you can search, I think the title was, how to recover when you work full time.

So something along the lines of that, that will give you lot of in-depth as a whole podcast episode to help you with the actual work stuff again. Like obviously you can’t just eat when you want if you’re in a service job and…

you know, you’re facing customers, you can’t just be like, hold that thought, I’m just gonna go and eat, cause I’m hungry or whatever. So that’s a podcast episode that will help you with the tangible work stuff. But I think the main thing here is that you’re finding it hard to be accountable to yourself and you find it easier for someone to help you. It’s okay to get help. And then I would dive into why you think it’s hard to hold yourself accountable. Just get curious about why that is. Perhaps, do you really want it for yourself?

Victoria Kleinsman (08:21.006)
do you have that feeling of permission when someone else is with you and sat with you or maybe eating with you, that the permission you can practice giving to yourself. So I kind of need you on a coaching call for this one. So if you can join my next hot seat coaching, you’ll find the date in the free support group under coaching call dates. And you might get the chance to be coached so I can kind of dive into this with you. But from what I’m hearing, ask for help, hold yourself accountable by practicing and choosing.

choosing to do it, even though it’s not going to be easy. And I would say lastly on this, have you been

kind of placing the responsibility and accountability of your recovery of your freedom to someone else. There’s a difference between avoiding responsibility and just needing that permission. So take full fucking responsibility of your recovery and your freedom because it’s yours, no one else’s. Ask for help when you need it and stand in your power. Just practice doing this if you don’t even know what the hell this feels like. Practice standing in your power and choosing this for you. Like even say out loud,

Choosing to eat this even though it’s really hard and uncomfortable Even though I feel like I need permission and support from someone else that I might not have right now I am choosing to do this for me because I will fully recover. Let me know if that’s Okay, the next one

Victoria Kleinsman (09:48.225)
How much exercise is enough just for good health, not compulsion? I’m trying to cut back so it’s not hours, but then I feel guilt for doing less. Well, well done for cutting back. Although you say you’re trying to cut back, trying is lying or trying is asking for permission to fail. Cut back, don’t just try to do it, that’s one thing. And of course, if you’re still acting like a person with an eating disorder, of course you will feel guilty for doing less.

The trick is, it’s not even a trick, it’s the fear-facing part, do less, even though it’s uncomfortable, even though you feel guilty, be with the guilt and train your brain and your nervous system that it is safe to do less exercise. It will feel horrible. You’ll feel like you wanna crawl out your skin. You’ll have all these thoughts and stories like, maybe I can’t deserve the food tonight and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Be with that discomfort, choose to dismiss the thoughts that aren’t serving you, put your attention elsewhere by choosing to think a different thought that does serve you, or just simply by putting your attention somewhere else, like on a TV show or a dog or the tree, whatever. Be kind to yourself and over time, you will train yourself, it’s okay to do less.

Going back to the first part of the question, how much exercise is enough for good health? The good news is your body, when you’ve healed your relationship with body and with food, your body knows exactly how much exercise you need to keep you in good health. Because you’ll feel it. Your body will give you signals of how much you want to do and whether today you want to go on a walk, or today it would feel good to stretch, or you know what, today it would feel good to really get your heart rate up and do some HIIT or…

lifts and weights, whatever, your body will know it’s trusting that. So I would say do less on purpose. Focus instead of how much is enough for health, focus on building that relationship with your body, practising, listening to what your body’s biochemical feedback are. I’m hungry, I need a wee, I’m cold, I wanna stretch, I need to lie down, I feel like moving from your body.

Victoria Kleinsman (11:55.032)
not your mind which is still recovering from an eating disorder. So it’s connecting to your body, trusting that, showing your brain and nervous system you don’t have to do all that exercise and movement and then just practicing tuning into your intuition and just do what feels right. So for me after having Koa who’s now almost a year old, I just started to get back into the gym three weeks ago now and it feels good for me for now to do one

PT session a week and that’s it. And now after the last three weeks, it will be four weeks next week, I feel ready to do an extra one, like spread out throughout the week. And then for me, two just feels good right now. Maybe in three months time, three might feel good. But to be honest, with the lack of sleep, I’m still sleep deprived for a year now. Two is enough. And how do I know that? Just by tuning into my body and going with what feels right.

You can always trust your body, even though society tells us everything under the sun and gives us all these reasons and facts as to why we can’t trust our body. It’s bullshit. You can. Right then. I’m just wondering why I didn’t film this on a different filming platform, which has better quality, but I didn’t. So it is what it is. Okay. Next question. Can you talk about inner child work and how to work with different ages of ourselves? I don’t have a specific question, just how do I actually do it?

Okay, great, so you’re asking how to work with different ages of ourselves. This is kind of easy because again, it’s first of all being quiet in your mind. So whether that’s doing a meditation to help your thoughts be still, just tuning inwards with no meditation in your ears, being, what I’m saying is first of all, you need to be still.

and quiet and you will not get rid of your thoughts. If you do, let me know how you do that. Cause I’ve never been able to do that. It’s just stealing your thoughts and being the witness of the thoughts and knowing that you have thoughts, but you are not your thoughts. Get still, tune inward to yourself, to your body and just breathe.

Victoria Kleinsman (13:55.459)
And then have an intention before you go into this kind of visualization meditation. What is your intention? Maybe you’re struggling with something that has been triggering for you or you feel stuck on. When you’ve got quiet, have this intention in mind. When you feel still and calm as much as you’re able to in that moment, ask your unconscious mind, show me what age of my inner children need me right now.

and you will get shown an age, you will get a number given to you by your unconscious mind. It’s not something where you have to be like, hmm, let me just think what age I need to work with today. It will get given to you. If nothing comes to you, that’s okay. Just do your meditation, practice connecting inward and then try again. And if it doesn’t come, that’s not meant to happen right now because you’re only available to meet what you’re ready to heal. So trust that whatever happens or doesn’t happen is meant to.

and have an intention in this meditation, ask your unconscious mind, what age do I need to work with today?

and you will get shown, it might be your teenage self, your 20 year old self, your two year old self that you have no remembrance of, but you just have an intuitive knowing that is that version of you. So it’s getting quiet, having an intention, allowing to come through, trusting, and then working with that part and just asking questions like, what does this part need from me right now? What does it need to tell me? What does it need from me? How can I work with this part and trust that the answers will come? Great question.

Okay, you can also, I did actually write this, you can also look at photos of before this meditation of your different ages and you’ll be drawn to a specific photo of a specific age that you might have been. That can be a way of showing you what age you need to work on in that moment. It can also, you can write with, not write, well you can write, you can draw.

Victoria Kleinsman (15:51.087)
You can doodle, you can paint with your non-dominant hand. So if you’re right-handed, that will be your left hand. And then just see what comes through there. This is all connecting with your inner child, inner children, and there’s no right or wrong. It’s whatever comes through for you in that moment.

Okay, next question. Is atypical anorexia something that can develop from other eating disorders or is it its own type? You either get it or you don’t. Well, atypical anorexia is simply anorexia. The only reason the word atypical is in front of that is because it might look like someone who doesn’t have anorexia in terms of stereotypically having a skeleton looking malnutritioned body. So it’s someone with anorexia who isn’t in an extremely thin body.

it is. They have all the same behaviors, all the same medical outcomes like of malnutrition.

you know, the person would most likely be underweight for their body size, whether or not they look underweight to society, that doesn’t matter, that’s why it’s atypical. Sadly, it’s atypical, it should just be called anorexia. It doesn’t matter whether someone looks skeleton or not, anorexia is anorexia. If it’s severely affecting your quality of life, your mental and emotional health with the restriction, then you have anorexia. I actually had a client who had very severe anorexia and she was in what society?

would class as a larger body and she was in severe anorexia so that would be a class as atypical anorexia. So it’s not something that can develop from other eating disorders. I personally believe that…

Victoria Kleinsman (17:26.054)
Every eating disorder is due to a restriction. Every eating disorder is rooted in a restrictive eating disorder. Whether or not you have the genetics for anorexia or not in terms of the migration response, that doesn’t matter. It’s the mental and emotional turmoil that comes from having restricted, having always tried to restrict, always thinking about restriction. It doesn’t really matter what label it is. If it’s affecting your health, you need to get help. Okay, next question.

Victoria Kleinsman (17:58.016)
Why does it say her? Okay. 18 year old sporty son is partying, gaining weight and making not good, quotes, food choices. Husband is entrenched in diet culture on GLP ones. I think I know who this is. And is pressuring to stop buying the treats.

again in quotes, treats, because their son is getting too fat in quotes, my goodness, fears that this will cause an eating disorder in the son and the conflict is causing major arguments. Wow, that’s a lot to deal with, my love. Okay, here’s the thing, your 18 year old son is doing what he wants to do. He’s above the age where…

I’m not saying he won’t listen to you, he’s his own individual person now, right? Yes, he lives under your roof, which is why I assume your husband is saying things like, stop buying the treats because he’s getting too fat. If it’s not there, he can’t eat them. He’s gonna eat what he wants some way or another. So whether or not he can afford to eat what he wants, if he does have his own money, he will buy what he wants to eat. So that’s not really…

that’s neither here nor there in terms of what you’re having in your house. And also if you’re not having them in the house because…

he gets a message that you think, not you, but your husband thinks that he’s getting too fat. That’s all kind of fucked up and crazy and not gonna help or work in any other way anyway, and it’s also not true. So it’s leaving him to live his life as an 18 year old. There’s not much you can do there, like he just needs to learn his own lessons. But when I say learn his own lessons, he’s not doing anything wrong just because your husband sees your son gaining weight is not okay. That’s your husband’s problem, not your son’s. Your son is gonna make his own life choices. It sounds like he’s enjoying him.

Victoria Kleinsman (19:48.148)
you know, his partying, he’s allowed to live, you know, so there’s nothing you can do there. What you can do though, if it’s causing major arguments, is start to set boundaries and be like, look, we’re going to agree to disagree.

Our son who is 18 is very much his own person. There’s nothing we can do. I’m not saying there’s nothing you can do to influence him, but if he’s not willing to be open to having a conversation about how much he’s partying and maybe he should take care of himself by sleeping more and partying less, good luck with that conversation with an 18 year old. You’ve noticed how I’ve not brought up the food. It doesn’t matter what he eats or doesn’t eat. That’s up to him. It’s his body, his choices. He’ll eat what’s available to him. I don’t think it’s not gonna be any positive.

positive choice whatsoever to stop having quote unquote treats in the house. So again, I’m repeating myself now, but that’s entirely up to him. Start to set boundaries with your husband and say, look, we’re agreeing to disagree. I want these in the house, cause I eat them and I want him to have them available to him if he wants them. So this is what I’m available to tolerate from you. What I’m available for you to.

to say or not say. If you do say these things, I’m gonna leave the room or the conversation has ended or whatever it is, a consequence, a boundary has a consequence, a request is just a request. So set boundaries, like what feel, what would feel good, feel into what would feel good for you and set these boundaries with him and have a consequence with them. He is on his own journey too. Your husband is on his own journey. So, you know, I’m sad that he’s…

seeped in diet culture and fat phobia and that’s his journey. But you need to set some serious boundaries because it’s not going to work if he’s going left and you’re going right. Leave your son to do what your son wants to do. Set boundaries with your husband. He’s on his own journey. Keep focusing on your recovery. What you know is right and true. Body neutrality, food freedom, internal self-worth from the inside, not from external validation.

Victoria Kleinsman (21:53.444)
and set the boundaries, that’s gonna help you in your day-to-day life with this situation. But I feel for you, sending you big hugs.

Okay, next question. What’s your opinion on the idea that the subconscious doesn’t understand negation? For example, saying I will not restrict actually processes as I will restrict. Why would the subconscious not understand negatives? Yes, I’ve shared this before as well. So this comes from NLP interpretations, the unconscious, it can understand negatives.

I’ve said before to always state the positive, always state what you do want because it’s easier to get that. So if we’re saying, I do not want to restrict, it can focus your brain on the word restrict. Cause it’s a different, if you look at the energy, right? Hear me out on this. I do not want to restrict in comparison to, I am gonna eat in freedom.

I am gonna eat whatever I want whenever I want in comparison to I do not want to restrict. Can you see? So it’s an energetic thing for me. So I have also heard from NLP training that I’ve done that the unconscious mind cannot understand negatives. So that’s why instead of saying I do not want to be sad, I would then say I invite happiness. So whether or not it’s right or wrong or true or false that the unconscious subconscious.

cannot understand negatives. For me, it just feels better to go with the positive, to go with what you want, to go with the most empowering thing, because you are where your attention is. So for me, it’s just more empowering to focus on, I choose freedom, instead of I choose not to restrict. So there’s no right or wrong, but just feeling to what energy makes sense to you and in your body and focus on what you do want, not what you don’t want, because it’s easier to get what you do want.

Victoria Kleinsman (23:49.203)
Also in terms of the law of attraction and everything, if you’re focusing on, do not, let’s say, I do not want to gain weight, I do not want to gain weight, you’re gonna kind of keep yourself stuck. Or if you’re focusing on, I embrace weight gain, I know it’s like not exactly the same, but I embrace weight gain, or I tolerate weight gain, you’re opening yourself to a different energy of attraction. So just have a play with it, see what feels right for you, and go with that.

But if a negative does feel empowering for you, then use a negative, it’s whatever works for you. Okay, next question. I understand emotional allowing. I’m eating freely and feel more connected, great. But when big emotions arise, my system shuts down.

or spikes into a high anxiety or panic. Makes sense. How do I get past these defensive mechanisms? I know I can’t force it, correct, but I also can’t see how things change unless I do something different. Okay, so this is a great question. So you’ve got.

You’re hitting many layers of trauma and recovery as you’re allowing yourself to feel these emotions that feel very unsafe because the nervous system from what you’re saying is when you allow and open yourself up to big emotions that you’ve suppressed in the past, well done for doing the work, your nervous system is like, my God, can’t handle that, fight, flight or freeze, like panic, severe panic.

panic mode, not stretch zone, right? And you’re worried that how this will change if this keeps kind of happening as a pattern. It will change because what you’re doing is the work, there’s nothing wrong. Remember I say over and over again, like when you’re ready to heal something, it will come up. So I would argue that, not argue, but kind of just matter of phrase, right? I would argue that…

Victoria Kleinsman (25:40.915)
If that big emotion or these big feelings are coming up within you, you can handle them. Let’s say you open yourself up to feeling these big emotions. You notice this, my God, nervous system shut down. You can be like, okay, like I’m in like a massive panic right now. Stand up if you’re sitting down or sit down if you’re standing up, leave a room, change your physical state somehow. That’s really helpful. Breathe.

and then speak to yourself with such love and compassion and be like, you know what? I’m gonna leave that today. Or you know what? I’m gonna sit down and journal about this feeling because that will allow me to kind of feel a parts of it and express it through writing. Or I’m just gonna do it again and sit down.

and open myself up to feeling it because you can show yourself that it is safe to feel big emotions. Safety doesn’t mean comfort, it just means safe and not danger because it’s not dangerous to feel emotions. It might have been dangerous in the past to feel emotions, which is why you’re having this visceral response, but practice being in your body, talking to yourself.

with kindness and compassion in order to access that logical part of your brain when you’re in a fear response, you need to leave the room, like I said, sit down if you’re standing up, up if you sit down, breathe, look around, I am not in danger right now, I am safe, I am physically safe.

okay, wow, that was a lot. Let’s just go again, you know, like really be gentle with yourself, practise being in your body all throughout the day, not just when you’re wanting to invite these big feelings in that are ready to be healed, else they wouldn’t be presented in your psyche and in your somatic experience in the moment. If they are, then you have everything you need within you, whether you believe it or not, you do to feel, to tolerate, to accept, to make space for.

Victoria Kleinsman (27:37.232)
and to let go of these emotions without actually doing anything. Remember the podcast from Sam Miller, just allowing it all. So anything else that I write down? But 1%.

extra or 1 % longer that you’re able to feel and to be with these emotions is progress. I promise you, you will not stay stuck like this forever. It will just take time through gradual repetition and compassion, not forcing. You’re on the right track, my lovely. I promise you. So just keep going.

And I think that is, yeah, that’s the last question. All right, Loveless, so yes, thank you so much, love. What else, is there anything else I wanna share?

This is probably going to be way too late to the party because I don’t know when this is going to be released as a podcast but obviously it’s going to be released in my group coaching today in a minute. I’m going to be doing more solo podcast episodes which I’ve been craving so much to do so I’m really excited to get them out but my podcasts will be going to every other week instead of every week just for now so expect more solo episodes so keep sending your questions through the podcast form this goes for my group and

anyone else, any of other listeners, there’s a podcast form on my Instagram stories, the bottom of every email I send where you can submit your question. And if it’s a juicy question, I’ll make an entire solo episode out of it. Or if it’s kind of a quick answer question, I’ll then do a Q and A like this.

Victoria Kleinsman (29:08.36)
and answer your lovely ladies questions or any lovely men that are out there also. Okay, so if you wanna work with me and you’re not already, come and join the group. Obviously the group will see this, you’re in the group, but I’ve changed a few things in my group for the podcasts I’m speaking to now. So the price is halved, so it’s like four, nine, five for an entire year of hundreds of hours of recorded coaching calls, loads of Q and A’s like this, the ones that I haven’t even released as podcast episodes.

all of my online programs and a shitload of resources. It will take you like a well over a year to go through everything. It’s just a beautiful place of a sacred private support group, intimate support group with women who get it, who can support you in the moment from all different time zones. And of course, there’s one-to-one coaching that you can apply for if you want something more personalized and the extra layer of support.

but thank you for being here, thank you for being in the group or listening to the podcast. I appreciate you all so much and I love you all and I will see you next time.