“I now feel like I don’t restrict anymore like I’ve done two/three years ago when I was deep in my eating disorder (anorexia) but instead I feel like I “can’t” restrict anymore. And last time, you told me that that is what I “need” to do, but I would like to find balance, you know? No restriction but also not eating what I maybe don’t even want to eat. I feel kind of uncomfortable at the moment and I feel the “fat” in my face and on my body in general. I don’t feel good with the way I eat right now but I also don’t want to restrict too much. How do I find this balance and at the same time don’t “EAT EVERYTHING”? How do I shift my focus from eating to different things so that I can eat more intuitively? I hope you unterstand my struggle, thanks already. Best wishes, Alina🥰“
One liner…
Food freedom and “not caring about your health” are not the same thing!
Restriction is traumatic
Yep, I COMPLETELY understand your struggle! I, (like some), lost the ability to restrict and actually that’s a blessing in disguise because you have no choice BUT to honour what your body wants. It’s a survival mechanism from your very smart body and nervous system. Think about it… you restricted and underfed yourself for however many years which is extremely traumatic to the body.
Your body didn’t know you were doing it on purpose, it assumed you were in a famine because otherwise why WOULD you restrict?! It makes no sense to the body whose number one priority is survival. Even though you most likely would have started restricting because you felt like restricting WAS necessary IN ORDER TO survive or cope mentally and emotionally or fit in or whatever it was, your body doesn’t know or care about that.
And so since you’ve been eating unrestrictedly your body is like “Finally, we are living somewhere with enough food but I don’t know how long this will last for because in the past the main experience was famine. So we must keep getting enough food incase it happens again.” Makes sense right?
Emotional restriction
You will continue eating this way (in the name of survival) if your body doesn’t feel safe that there is enough food in your physical environment or that there won’t be enough food in the future. If you are judging what you’re eating and wishing you weren’t eating that way thinking it’s too much, your body will take that as fact that there is going to be a famine or less food in the very near future. Because the body is smart, it will eat more now to prepare for the famine. This is biology and biology is rooted in survival.
This is called emotional restriction. And I can see from the way you asked your question that there Is emotional restriction present for you. I’ll point it out for you;
- “No restriction but also not eating what I maybe don’t even want to eat.“
You want what you need and so at some level, you need the food you’re currently eating in the way you’re eating it. Otherwise you wouldn’t do it or it would be easy to just choose not to do it. When you’ve eaten something you think you maybe didn’t want to eat, journal this…
I ate that even though I didn’t think I wanted it because…
From that journalling you can see what’s going on and if you were a client of mine we’d dive into that.
2. “I feel kind of uncomfortable at the moment and I feel the “fat” in my face and on my body in general.”
Being afraid of weight gain or not seeing weight gain as ok is actually emotional restriction. This is because what you’re saying without actually saying it is, “I can’t keep eating like this or I must lose some weight or I can’t get any bigger.” <— That’s signalling to the body that there is an impending famine most likely on its way. And remember how smart the body is as it is wired for survival…? What do you think it’s going to do in response to that? Eat more just in case!
What’s needed here is deeper body image work and exploring what feeling comfortable in your body would look like to you. My assumption is that you don’t currently feel comfortable in your body because you’re emotionally uncomfortable about the fat on your body. There’s a difference. Why does it feel uncomfortable to have fat on your body and on your face? Does it feel physically uncomfortable? If so, how? Does it feel emotionally uncomfortable? If so , how and why?
Again, if you were a client, we’d dive deeper into what comes up for you around this and work through this together as they’ll be many layers to this.
Choosing vs restricting
3. “I don’t feel good with the way I eat right now but I also don’t want to restrict too much.”
Why don’t you feel good about the way you eat right now? I’ll talk about balance with nutrition next but what exactly about the way you are currently eating isn’t good?
I don’t want you to restrict at all… ever!
Choosing is not the same as restricting because restriction isn’t an action, it’s a state of mind.
If you are restricting or thinking about restricting then you’re acting from the eating disorder. People who have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies don’t restrict, they choose. You won’t ever be able to safely restrict because restriction isn’t safe (for anyone) and that’s a good thing. You will however be able to make choices that are in alignment with how you want to feel physically in your body IF you have the right support to get you through this stage of recovery with what you’re personally experiencing.
Whatever you resist persists…
4. “How do I find this balance and at the same time not EAT EVERYTHING?”
I’m sure you also don’t eat everything as that would be practically impossible, right?! 😉
That fact that you capitalised EAT EVERYTHING shows me that you have extreme judgment and lack of acceptance around this. I feel you, I was the exact same! Why is it not ok to eat everything? What does it mean if you eat everything?
These questions might seem pointless to answer but trust me, grab your journal and a pen and take your time to answer them. You’ll discover a lot about yourself and with a professional’s help who knows what to look for, you’ll be out of emotional restriction and into the land of choosing and freedom before you know it.
5. “How do I shift my focus from eating to different things so that I can eat more intuitively?”
Again, you’re showing me that you’re resisting what you’re eating because you want to not focus on food (I get it) and whatever you RESIST PERSISTS. When you fully accept and surrender to whatever it is you eat, you’ll then be able to focus on things other than food. It’s a catch 22. You want to take your focus away from food but by resisting your focus on food, you’re creating more focus on food!
How to actually accept and surrender? I hear you ask… That my love is a journey that we’d have to embark on together. I need to know you well and work with you to know what’s going on in your mind and your actions. We’d work on how to do just that together.
How to find balance with food
The ultimate question then; “How to find balance with food and eat more intuitively?”
- By letting go of all kinds of restriction (including emotional restriction)
- By overcoming your fear of weight gain (yep, this is 100% possible)
- By connecting to yourself and your body in all ways, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
- By loving yourself so that you want to take care of yourself and treat your body with love and kindness in all ways
- You do that by remembering (perhaps for the first time) how worthy and valuable you are just because you are you and are alive
- By taking action to support balanced behaviours which will feel like a breeze when you’ve worked on all the above with someone who knows what they’re doing
As you can see, finding balance with food is a journey, it’s not a quick fix or something you can simply change in only your behaviours. It takes courage, support and commitment to full freedom and self-love to find authentic and easy balance with food. And each and every one of you can do it!
How I make food choices now I’m in full food freedom
I want to give you a tangible example of what it looks like to be eating in balance for those who consider health (like myself) when eating day to day.
I could not have gotten to this place unless I had done the work to fully surrender and allow all foods all the time. This was a journey that I’m so grateful I went on.
I make my food choices primarily from nourishment and pleasure. I’ll give you some examples;
If there’s a green shake that’s proven to be the healthiest thing in the world and it tastes like shit, I’m not going to drink it.
I’ll add butter, cheese, oils and sauces on veggies and salad to make them taste good.
If there’s a chocolate brownie with ice cream that doesn’t come with fruit, I might order some on the side to add in extra nutrients. Or I might not.
If I’ve had fries already this week and I’m not that bothered about them, I might swap my fries for a side of veggies if I feel it. Unless I don’t feel like it then I won’t.
I usually ask for a side salad with a toastie if it doesn’t come as standard.
If I fancy some ice cream but know I’m going out for a meal this weekend I might wait until then to really look forward to it. Or I might not.
I’ll add as many veggies in as possible to my cooking all the time because veggies are good for me in so many ways and I enjoy the benefits of them.
I won’t swap real rice or pizza bases for cauliflower alternatives.
I’ll pay more for high quality ice cream, biscuits and chocolate, etc because taste and quality is important to me and I’m privileged enough to be able to do that.
As you can see I’ll about pleasure and nourishment, adding things in, choosing not restricting and feeling good in my body.
It’s easy and natural for me to eat this way now and this is possible for you too.
If you’d like support with this journey then explore my 1:1 and group coaching.
Much love, Victoria x
